Thanksgiving- The Act Of Giving Thanks.

Due to my recent circumstances, I find it hard to be thankful this year. However, I am determined to sit here until I think of something, anything. When I tell people what I'm thankful for, I want it to be sincere and from the heart. Not just your general "I'm thankful for blahbitty, blah, blah..."

So first off, I am thankful for:

• My daughter, Zoey. She is the glue that holds my whole world together. Without her, I don't know where I'd be today. 
• My family. Though we don't always get along, it's nice to know that at the end of the day we're all there for each other no matter what!
• My true friends. The ones that say they will always be there for you, and actually are. The ones that don't care if you talk about the same stupid shit over and over again until you get it out of your mind. The ones that really do make an impact on your day to day living whether they think so or not. To you guys- I love you.
• Music. "Once in a while, you find that one song that understands you perfectly."

To sum it up.

I'm thankful that after everything I'm going through I still have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, and a beautiful daughter to wake up to every morning. I'm thankful that I have a car that works and a plan of action for my future (CNA classes, and RCC classes). I'm thankful for those few people that can always put a smile on my face no matter what, and for the ones that remind me that I am blessed, that life really is worth living and things will always get better.

Indeed.

"Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle."
— T.H. Thompson and John Watson

There Are Days When The Sun No Longer Seems To Shine, When Even The Yummiest Hot Chocolate Will Not Warm Your Soul.

There are days when someone pulls the plug on the bathwater and it runs dry. Empty and cold, it sits there waiting to be used again; waiting for someone to love it passionately for even a few moments, when eventually it comes to realize that it is no longer desired...that somebody no longer wants to be in it's presence. So it sits alone, in the dark, with only the tiniest glimmer of hope that it will be wanted again someday. 

(Owner of Photograph)

Through various methods and life experiences, I've been taught not to share my feelings. Well, my true feelings. I'm talking about the courteous, "how are you?" I don't share the feelings because I've found (or imagined) people never really care. Nobody wants to be around a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy." Why even talk about those feelings when you're feeling them if nobody really cares? Seems logical right? Well I think that if most of you knew the things going through my head right now, you would probably either 1-never talk to me again because it's so pessimistic, or 2-never leave me alone out of worry or fear or whatever. Now don't get me wrong, I'm naturally a very happy, positive soul, but I seem to have been caught in this net of darkness that drags me farther down into the deep crevices of the ocean. I figure now is as good time as any to just throw it all out there. There isn't a soul that knows where I live (so I can wallow in peace) and if there is...I promise, I'll be fine.

Life is mysterious. The shift from being in such a happy, loving place to one where it's so empty it takes every ounce of strength to drag yourself out of bed, is literally like a slap in the face. You catch your breath and wonder, "what the hell just happened?!" I don't know what brought me here, and I don't really know how to get away from it. Pretending and "faking it till I make it" clearly wasn't and isn't working. Perhaps now, a year (tomorrow) after my initial separation from my husband I am finally grieving, and along with it comes all the past hurt I've endured. Perhaps my support group is helping me confront past issues that bring up so much pain I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know. I do know I've been in a lot of pain for a long time. My first attempt at suicide was at 12. We were discussing suicide in my group this last Monday and it's clear that many people have never felt the overwhelming darkness that comes with depression. Some suggested that it was a means of being selfish. I disagree. While I can see how one would perceive suicide as selfish, anyone that has contemplated it would understand that place of "aloneness." Others suggested that merely trying and failing was a cry for attention. I disagree with this statement also. Not a single soul knew I attempted suicide at 12 years old, and I honestly doubt that my husband knew I attempted multiple times while we were married. The things that stopped me were lack of knowledge and fear. My method of choice would be Pills. From my first attempt to my most recent, I continually increased the number of pills I ingested. Clearly, my last amount was not enough. I know better when and/or if there is a next time. I make no promises. I do know that if it not for Zoey, I would probably not be getting out of bed every morning. She makes the world turn, and the sun shine. Yet there are days my patience runs short and I wonder if she'd be better off without me.

Recently I've been pondering what I did to deserve the life experiences I've gone and am going through. I'm not sure, the answer remains unknown to me. I do know however that I will learn from every single one and be a stronger person because of it. My current state of mind recognizes this fact but still attempts to mosey along halfheartedly in the dark. I feel empty and alone. Many people have been telling me they are here for me, yet I still feel alone. Why? I hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore. My only option is to continue what I'm doing. Get out of bed, keep working on being a more patient and understanding person, maintain my journey of personal growth, and attempt to put a real smile on my face whenever possible.

(Owner of Photograph)

On another note, Thank you to those of you that truly are there for me when I need you. I Apologize to those that I've been short with lately or have completely ignored. I have no excuses. I'm still learning this concept of real friendship. Communication is everything, if I have offended or wronged you, please tell me. I may not be fully aware of the situation, as I am not a mind reader.

• "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

• "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."

• "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

Random Quotes I Love.

"Living in the past is kind of like living in a coffin...it's totally constraining, and ends up being a lid on your growth" - Doug Firebaugh

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

"You can never tell when something you might say or do, just a little extra effort on your part, might go a long way toward helping someone. That person will remember you and your action, or your words, for many years to come." - Earl Nightingale

"Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." - Author Unknown

However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. - Deepak Chopra 

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. - Anthony Robbins

Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things. - Stephen R. Covey

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. - Deepak Chopra

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours. - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Novelist

"Every experience you have ever had is over. Every thought you've ever had, started and finished. Every emotion and mood you've experienced has been replaced by another. Eventually, every thing disappears into nothingness. Life is just one thing after another. This, too, shall pass." - Author Unknown

Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.- Kathy

Emptiness is a symptom that you are not living creatively. You either have no goal that is important enough to you, or you are not using your talents and efforts in a striving toward an important goal - Maxwell Maltz

Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." - Richard Bach
 

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Jung