Life Is A "Work" In Progress.

Since my separation I've changed tremendously, Think of it similar to the change from night to day. Over the last few months I've become a way more independent, strong-willed woman who definitely isn't afraid to speak her mind. Today it was pointed out to me that perhaps I've taken the change (unintentionally of course) a little to the extreme. It actually shocked me to realize how some of my behavior is, quite honestly...unacceptable. I've been overly rude, and rather disrespectful. Now, I realize that part of sticking up for yourself and your boundaries comes with a certain amount of "hostility" that some people may not like or appreciate, but I think I've gone past the point of staying strong in my beliefs and entered the territory of flat out being a bitch. I was told by a friend that he was unaware I was capable of respecting his opinions and feelings. That really hurt me because I try very hard to be a good person, and I of course expect others to respect my thoughts and feelings. It hurt because at the moment it was spoken, I knew in my heart it was true. I am disappointed in myself for treating other people this way, but I greatly appreciate the feedback I received from him. I now know where I need more improvement, and will be able to work on it accordingly.

I think perhaps another aspect of this behavior is fear. I am afraid to let anyone get close to me, no matter my relationship with them. When I feel they are climbing over my walls, I push them away in one way or another. I may rationalize my behavior, I may overly scrutinize theirs, or even ignore them. The possibilities are endless. One thing I am learning is that it is OK to let people care about me. It's OK to let people in and to care about other people. It's OK to love again, whether it be friends, family, or whoever. I need to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me. I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, but past experiences have taught me that I was worthless and people shouldn't care about me. Rewiring my thinking patterns are a slight struggle; it's hard to unlearn something that's been branded into your soul for such a long period of time. However, I have faith in myself!

On an even more positive note-life lately has been Great! I've started my CNA classes through my work and am doing well in my classes at RCC. I am almost back up on my feet and it feels SO good. My divorce Should be final here within the next few days, and I can't wait. This is my time to shine, this is the beginning of my new life and I couldn't be happier. I am doing this all on my own and have a lot to be proud of. It's crazy to think that for so long my life was in chaos, but now that it's coming together perfectly, I couldn't ask for more. I am so blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends and family. I really do love and appreciate all of you that have been there for me in one way or another on this long adventure. You're all wonderful and I'm glad to have you a part of my journey in life-no matter how small the role may seem, you're important to me.