A New Beginning.

Well, yesterday I left my husband.


I feel many emotions, and it's hard to sort through them sometimes, but I know this is the best decision I have made for me and Zoey in a Long time. I was tired of being the only one trying to make things work. Telling him every day.."Hey, this isn't working, I need you to do something...anything. Put in some kind of effort." I was tired of being disrespected on a daily basis. Basically I was tired of being treated exactly the same way it was before we split up last time; like a Doormat. One thing our breakup taught me last time, was what I deserve, and what I will not tolerate. I know that I do not deserve to be treated in such a way.

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

I found this quote the other day, and it makes me realize that, had we stayed split up a few months ago...I would not have been ready to be single, not as able to handle things that needed to be taken care of. I still wanted to be with Zak. I still loved him...hated him for the way he was acting, but still loved him. Now, things are completely different. I do not love Zak. He will always have a place in my heart, yes, but I do not love him. I am very excited to be on my own, and actually, for the first time in my life...I feel I can accomplish and earn ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I've ever wanted. I believe that now. It doesn't just sound like hollow words anymore. I don't intend on jumping right back out there and dating. I just want to enjoy my time with Zoey and let her know as much as possible that Mommy and Daddy still love her..That it was NOT her fault at all. I hope that someday she will know how much I want her to understand that.

I am really trying to stay positive when it comes to Zak and Zoey. Honestly, I don't think he will be around too much. I think he will for a while, and then I think he'll get caught up in being a 22 year old single male-Partying, Drinking, Drugs, etc. Because that's exactly what he did last time...the only difference now, is how much he said he wanted to see her. Once a week, and every other weekend. Last time it was every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  I am not going to get my hopes up, because I know I am only going to be disappointed. If he does stay in her life, even better, I really hope he does, because I know what it feels like to have a parent abandon you...and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

There is no going back this time.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me."

I learned my lesson this time. There is no going back, nor would I ever Want to go back. Things would never be the same, trust would never be repaired, hearts would never be healed. I can't wait for my new life to really begin. I am working on healing myself, restoring my self confidence, building trust for society, and achieving what I set my mind to. I hope to look back someday and say, that was THE best learning experience of my life; yes it was hurtful, but I wouldn't take it back for anything.

So here's to the beginning of a new chapter, the beginning of a better, happier life.

I bid you Adieu, old one.

Sweet Party Mix--SUPER YUMMY!

Prep: 10 Minutes
Bake: 20 Minutes
Oven: 300°F
Makes 12 Cups Mix

• 3 Cups Corn Chex
• 3 Cups Rice Chex
• 2 Cups Pretzel Knots
• 1 1/2 Cups Peanuts
• 1 Cup Brown Sugar
• 7 Tablespoons Butter
• 4 Tablespoons Light-Colored Corn Syrup
• 1/3 Teaspoon Baking Soda
• 1 1/2 Cup Cranberries
• 1 Cup Plain M&M's

In a large roasting pan or cookie sheet combine cereals, pretzels, and peanuts; set aside.

In a medium saucepan combine brown sugar, butter, and corn syrup. Cook and stir over medium heat until mixture boils. Continue boiling at a moderate, steady rate, without stirring, for 5 minutes more. Remove saucepan from heat; stir in baking soda, Pour over cereal mixture; stir gently to coat.

Bake in a 300°F oven for 15 minutes; stir cereal mixture and bake 5 minutes more; remove from oven; stir in dried fruit and cool. Then add M&M's. Store in an airtight container.

Love Dare Update!

Due to a few recent events, and a few possible BIG changes, I am taking a hiatus on the love dare. Zak may or may not be joining me in the dare, but we will find out later!

Taking A Break.

Well, today Zak left for the first wildfire of the season, not sure when he will be back, but I am praying for his safety!  I haven't really kept up the last few days of the challenge because he didn't know I was doing the challenge in the first place and having him home for a week was a little bit difficult to complete without him finding out. So anyway, when he eventually gets back from the fire, I will continue on with the challenge. :) I'm not sure what fire he went to, but I know that it was started from the lightning last night.

Day Five--Love is Not Rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the mornin, it will be reckoned a curse to him. --Proverbs 27:14

It is well with the man who is gracious. Psalm 112:5

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated. (See Luke 6:31)
2. No Double Standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3. Honor Requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. 

Well, I asked Zak and he said that three things that irritate him about me are:

• I get irritated about little things too easily.
• I don't clean enough.
• I don't always trust his judgment. 

Hearing the first one didn't bother me too much, yes I know I do that. I will just have to take a deep breath when I start to get upset. I was definitely a little irritated about the second one because I have gotten ALOT better at doing that. I'll admit, yes, I used to be really bad about picking up, but I am so much better now. It's really frustrating that I try so hard now and it's still not enough. I guess I will just have to try even harder at being a housewife. Plain and Simple! As for the third one...it's really hard for me sometimes. I don't know why. But I will try to relax a little bit more and just let it go, try to trust his decisions. Trust is an important part of any relationship, so I guess I need to work on that!

Day Four--Love is Thoughtful.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me...How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. --Psalm 139:17-18

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. 

"For most couples, things begin to change after marriage. The wife finally has her man; the husband has his trophy. The hunt is over and the pursuing done. Sparks of romance slowly burn into grey embers, and the motivation for thoughtfulness cools. You drift into focusing on your job, your friends, your problems, your personal desires, yourself. After a while, you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your mate." Page 16, The Love Dare.

 

This whole process so far has made me remember back to when Zak and I took Premarital counseling with River Valley Community Church. The counseling was based on the message of Love and Respect Ministries by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. I've realized over the last few days how much I've actually ignored Zak's needs, how much I've actually "stopped loving him" (the way I should anyway)...without even realizing it. I realized that for the better part of the last two and a half years, Zak and I have been on the "Crazy Cycle."

Always reacting to each-other causing problem after problem and never really ending the craziness. Where we thought we were loving eachother, we really weren't doing it well, right.  By taking part in this 40 Day Love Dare, I really feel like things are incredibly better than they have been in a long time. I finally feel like Zak is starting to appreciate me and is showing me that he loves me again, kind of like when we were newlyweds or first dating. I've realized Loving someone is proactive, Loving someone is going out of your way to make sure they are happy, putting their needs before your own. Think about it, (for those of you that have children) you will undoubtedly put their needs before your own. That's because you truly love them, your love is unconditional. That's the way our love should be with our spouse. Truly and honestly love them unconditionally, want to go out of your way to "spoil them" and make them happy. That what brings about the Energizing Cycle. By my doing all these seemingly silly little things for Zak, he has opened up to me and begun to give me what I've needed for a really long time...and he doesn't even realize it! He's just doing it because (I assume) he wants to do nice things for me, because I've been doing nice things for him....It's really quite simple, I don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand. I guess, like it was for me, you can never truly understand until you experience the effects of such a powerful thing in your own life.

Take the Challenge!

Day Three--Love is Not Selfish.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. --Romans 12:10

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with the humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. --Philippians 2:3

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

When I read this challenge last night before bed, I started thinking about what the heck I was going to buy Zak...What can I get him that would be meaningful to him and still say "I was thinking of you today?" So I thought about it all day and on my way home from my interview, I decided on the perfect gift. I bought Zak a pack of cigarettes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much or that it may seem silly, but let me tell you, when I saw the look on his face, I knew I had chosen right. I am always complaining about how he stinks like cigarettes, and how they're so expensive, how much I hate them, etc. So by buying something so small for him, it was like saying, "Honey, I love you no matter what. I don't agree with this habit but I know you enjoy it, so here you go...this is for you." When I ended up giving them to him he was so surprised he thought it was a trick or a bribe...lol, he couldn't stop smiling. I just simply smiled and said "it's because I Love You."