Do All Things With Love.

I am utterly convinced that all things happen for a reason. We may not be aware of the reason at the time, but there will come a day when it all makes sense.


I've had many wonderful changes occur in my life lately and feel extremely blessed. I've got my own apartment, my car is being fixed aesthetically and mechanically, I've got one job and had an interview for a second, and I am going to school part time. On top of all of that, and most importantly, I've got a wonderful daughter who means the world to me. She is the root of my undying motivation and determination.

Medford will be a new start, a new beginning, a new life. I've left the past completely behind and look forward to enjoying the dawning of a new day. I will not let anything bring me down or keep me from loving life completely and fully. I've had so much negativity in my past, that I simply will not tolerate it in my future. I welcome anything or anyone that the future holds for me and will continue to strive to do the best I can in every aspect of life. I will not give up. I will continue improving my life. Life is too short to be wasted on anything that doesn't try just as hard as I do. I am thankful for everyone who has been a part of my life because in one way or another, you've helped shape me into who I am. I love the person I am today. I never thought I'd be able to say that, but I do; I love who I am, and I mean it!

Wow.

A whole lot sure has changed in a year. It was definitely all for the better, and I'm content with the decision I made for my baby girl and myself.

It's Depressing.

"I care."
One of those phrases people are supposed to use when someone is feeling down. But how do you know when someone Really cares? I'm not sure there is a way. Suppose you believe them and then once you are feeling better they just leave. What do you do then? Next time you're depressed you won't believe people when they tell you they care..you obtain a sense of worthlessness. I've yet to find a way to overcome this. Hopefully I will soon.
I don't like feeling alone.

Continually Questioning...

Tonight I can't help but wonder if I've made the right decision.

Now that I'm alone,

I'm lonely and I miss him.

Got Dressed Through The Mess And Put A Smile On My Face.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what kind of impact (if any) my life has on others. Am I supposed to live my life to please others or to make myself happy? I find that lately I seem to be letting everyone down. I don't make the right choices or act the right way or even make enough time for people. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I become the bad guy for wanting to better my life. Somehow that doesn't seem right to me, though like I asked before...what is the reason I am here? For all I know, I may be way off in my priorities..I wish someone would just tell me the right thing to do.
Lately-
I can't help but wonder if anyone would even cry if I died. Sad thing is, I'm not sure they would.

Life Is A "Work" In Progress.

Since my separation I've changed tremendously, Think of it similar to the change from night to day. Over the last few months I've become a way more independent, strong-willed woman who definitely isn't afraid to speak her mind. Today it was pointed out to me that perhaps I've taken the change (unintentionally of course) a little to the extreme. It actually shocked me to realize how some of my behavior is, quite honestly...unacceptable. I've been overly rude, and rather disrespectful. Now, I realize that part of sticking up for yourself and your boundaries comes with a certain amount of "hostility" that some people may not like or appreciate, but I think I've gone past the point of staying strong in my beliefs and entered the territory of flat out being a bitch. I was told by a friend that he was unaware I was capable of respecting his opinions and feelings. That really hurt me because I try very hard to be a good person, and I of course expect others to respect my thoughts and feelings. It hurt because at the moment it was spoken, I knew in my heart it was true. I am disappointed in myself for treating other people this way, but I greatly appreciate the feedback I received from him. I now know where I need more improvement, and will be able to work on it accordingly.

I think perhaps another aspect of this behavior is fear. I am afraid to let anyone get close to me, no matter my relationship with them. When I feel they are climbing over my walls, I push them away in one way or another. I may rationalize my behavior, I may overly scrutinize theirs, or even ignore them. The possibilities are endless. One thing I am learning is that it is OK to let people care about me. It's OK to let people in and to care about other people. It's OK to love again, whether it be friends, family, or whoever. I need to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me. I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, but past experiences have taught me that I was worthless and people shouldn't care about me. Rewiring my thinking patterns are a slight struggle; it's hard to unlearn something that's been branded into your soul for such a long period of time. However, I have faith in myself!

On an even more positive note-life lately has been Great! I've started my CNA classes through my work and am doing well in my classes at RCC. I am almost back up on my feet and it feels SO good. My divorce Should be final here within the next few days, and I can't wait. This is my time to shine, this is the beginning of my new life and I couldn't be happier. I am doing this all on my own and have a lot to be proud of. It's crazy to think that for so long my life was in chaos, but now that it's coming together perfectly, I couldn't ask for more. I am so blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends and family. I really do love and appreciate all of you that have been there for me in one way or another on this long adventure. You're all wonderful and I'm glad to have you a part of my journey in life-no matter how small the role may seem, you're important to me.

When I Hear Somebody Sigh, ‘Life Is Hard,’ I Am Always Tempted To Ask, ‘Compared To What?'

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about my marriage lately. Trying to remember the good times, but only coming up with not-so-good memories and  remembering the pain. There are multiple reasons I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, but the main one is that in a little over a month, my divorce will be finally over; I'll officially be single again. It's a crazy, crazy thought to think that of all the passion and love I held for one person, it was all for nothing, and now I'm left with a few lessons learned and a healing heart. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy to be moved on and away from such a destructive relationship, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. I think something like that will stay with a person for a lifetime. It dramatically affects who you are, and you'll never ever be the same.

"They can live without you."

I read something today that just pulled at my heartstrings; it can be disheartening, yet it's the simple truth.
“Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them, no matter how much you don’t want them to. There are some things that are far beyond our control. Even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold harsh truth — the people that you can’t live without, can live without you.”

Our "Happy" Family

I think back to a few years ago when it was clear as day that Zak no longer wanted me, yet I was as blind as a bat and continued to fight for something that was obviously over. I fought the fight for both of us, thinking if I held on or tried just a little bit harder, he would love me again, and things would be perfect. Boy, was I wrong! I learned the hard way that “it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” We lose the people we love because we are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn’t belong to us anymore.

I sit here and analyze my marriage. I analyze my behavior, my ex's behavior and try to learn how to not make the same mistakes. I don't want to end up in another relationship years from now doing the same thing and making the same mistakes. That would be pure insanity. After Zak and I first split up, even this last time, I had needed to know that I meant something, anything to him. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss. You live and you learn, that’s how it is. Now, I try to be a better person everyday and make strides in evolving and changing my destructive habits-one baby step at a time. After all, I've got my whole life ahead of me! I guess I might as well just enjoy the ride and let life lead me by the hand.