God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

Today I've felt very annoyed. I sometimes think that maybe I let things bother me too much. There should come a certain point in our lives where we are able to just forgive all of those people that have upset us in the past. However, I feel that this...ability is (for now), out of my reach.

As I site here reminiscing about some of the relationships in my life just say, from the last 6 months, it brings up a lot of anger, frustration, and disappointment. I started out the year living with my best friend and her daughter, in our own little "home". Things were awesome, she was a wonderful help to me while I was separated from my husband; had great moral support. She helped me to regain a lot of self confidence. After a while, we had an episode, and it was just too much for me to handle. She blamed me of accusing a man she was interested in for doing some really terrible things. Now that is understandable for a moment, but I explained to her MULTIPLE times that I was simply telling her what I heard...Not passing judgment or actually accusing this man she had her eye on. Nonetheless, she completely refused to listen what I had to say, so I moved out the next morning. Now it has really bothered me the last 6 months (I moved out in January), and I'm having a hard time letting it go and being able to forgive her for getting angry with me for doing something out of my heart to protect her. I'm really disappointed that things turned out this way because she was the best friend I'd ever had--tried to talk to her once since then, but she just ignored me. I know that things would never be the same anyway, but I am just really hurt that she would turn something like that against me...here I was, her best friend, telling her what I heard, just to let her know so she could make her own decision about it, and she FREAKS out. I am just trying to be a good person, let alone friend but she refused to even look at it from my point of view.

Fast forward three months and after a series of seriously crazy events, I meet a really nice young man. Now as a little background information, I have always been able to get along with men better than women, don't know why, but have always had more men friends than women friends. So we start hanging out a lot with his friends and family, and he became my best friend. I'd lend him money occasionally, give him rides and do whatever I could to help him out while he was looking for a job. Basically he was there for me whenever I needed. I relied on him to help keep me strong when it was absolutely necessary; when Zak and I were fighting. As all of this is happening, he tells me he has fallen for me. I told him that I wasn't able to commit to him or anyone else because I didn't even know where my life was going. So we stayed the best of friends and it became more and more difficult to talk with him about Zak as he became more and more attached. I'd always told him that I would be completely honest and upfront when I decided on what to do about seeing anybody. So when I told him Zak and I were getting back together he was, needless to say, very upset. After that, the way he handled everything -in my opinion- was just completely childish and immature. He started ignoring me, being very rude and started treating me like some random girl he met at a party. I just stopped trying to get in contact with him. Obviously, I was hurt and angry by his behavior...this guy was supposed to be my best friend...and here he was, ditching me, when things were finally looking up for me. I can understand he was upset I was getting back with my husband, but he didn't need to just completely stop being my friend. It's been about a month, and he's got a girl now. I'm really happy for him...he deserves to have the best, but I'm disappointed that I could not be there to share in his joy. I'm also still bothered by his behavior...makes me feel like he was only my friend, so he could be my boyfriend. For a man that brags about how respectful he is (and he is Very respectful) he sure let me down on this one. I tried to talk to him about it once, but he kind of just blew me off. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't think that my friendship is there for people to do with what they please. I know that things with him would never be the same either. Heck I would love to have a double date with my husband and his girlfriend...go out shooting guns, or have a BBQ...something...but I know that is just simply not a possibility, because he would still treat me like a I was a ruthless bitch, and I would feel too awkward and uncomfortable the whole time.

Thinking about all of this is really stirring up my emotions. I can't believe I've lost two important people in my life in just half a year. Kind of makes me feel abandoned all over again (Thanks mom, for instilling those feelings in the first place). I don't know when I will be able to get over the loss of these people, or if I ever will. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive them, or myself for letting things get this way in the first place. Hopefully I will be able to, to have that inner peace, that serenity would be simply amazing.