Monday I realized a lot about my mom. I am pissed as hell at her. Beyond Pissed. I could go on and on about all the things I think of her, but I think that it would probably all need to be censored. I've been doing a lot of thinking about her because she is dying. I've debated between just completely not giving a shit and not even going to her funeral, to calling her and talking with her about all the things I'm upset about. On one hand I look like a bitch for not even caring, and on the other I look like a bitch for telling her off when she's dying. (hm, which would be the lesser of the two evils?) I've decided to call her...tomorrow...which coincidentally is her birthday, and talk to her. I have a lot of issues that root back to situations involving my mother, and I won't be able to fix them if she's dead...and so I need to at the very least get them off my chest. Even if she doesn't say anything back. I need to work on me and heal my past hurts. I really really hope that I get something out of tomorrow, whether it be a new sense of peace or some kind of understanding...I need something to know that going through this tomorrow will be worth it. But I know I definitely don't want to look back someday and say.."what if?"
Aside from that the week was fairly awesome. Stayed positive and am getting a lot of other things figured out in regards to Zak. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper stoked about that! You don't even know!
Today was a little frustrating though and I caught myself in a funk for a while there...I feel like I am trying so hard to work on myself and some days I feel like I haven't made any progress at all! One of my friends today kindly reminded me that we are all a work in progress, this is a life-long journey. That really helped me get my head out of the ground and back into the clouds where it belongs. I know I have a lot of things to work on...hopefully realizing this and admitting it will be a good first step towards becoming the person I envision myself as.
I find myself getting so caught up in staying busy that I let my life become a huge unorganized mess. Not literally, well, sometimes...but mostly I just shove everything over into the back of my mind instead of dealing with it and then I find it stacked so high it tumbles down upon me in the most inappropriate moments. Like today I heard a song while sitting in Dairy Queen and just out of nowhere almost started crying. I had to get up and go outside. I have to start getting my "self-help" processes all organized so that I can follow through more appropriately and not have crazy moments like that.
Tuesday I start a new job that I believe will be a good step in the right direction to providing a good life for Zoey. It's not necessarily something I want to do, but the money will be good and I'll be able to take care of my daughter the way I want to. Not right now of course, but eventually. She deserves the world. I can't believe how grown up she is! She is so smart and funny. The size of her personality is amazing, I can't believe such a small person can have such a big personality. It's really really wonderful. I just love her so much! I don't know what I would to without her.
Hm, well I am going to watch my best friends daughter in the morning so I better get my little behind to sleep! Hope that everyone reading this knows that
We make our own happiness, we cannot rely upon others to make us feel better (or feel worse for that matter)....Life is all a matter of perspective.
I hope you see life through rose colored glasses.
1 comments:
I was totally at this point a week ago! I've been working on big things in my life too, and for a while there problems were occupying my mind way too much. Now I'm finally getting rid of the crap in my life and feeling much better! Glad you are too. :)
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