The Secret of Letting Go.

Last few days have been a roller coaster ride! Friday I turned in my divorce papers and will soon be Miss McKenzie Carpenter once again! :) I am so very excited. One step closer to being officially on my own. I can't wait. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a good time for me to be alone. Right now, I really have a dysfunctional state of mind, due to issues from my past. Until I solve those problems, I will not make a good partner for anyone. I know this. I don't want to meet the right guy and screw things up because I'm dysfunctional ya know? Therefore, I must fix these ASAP. :) It's hard for me to work on the issues because I don't want to deal with those negative emotions. There are things I need to work on with my mom such as abandonment issues and (I have come to recently find out...) possible sexual abuse from her boyfriend (when I was 6). I say possible because I don't remember...but I recognize many of the signs in my behaviors, and apparently there was a comment I made to my dad about it back then. I recently had a good discussion about traumatic events with a good friend of mine. I had asked if he thought it possible to have an experience so traumatic that the mind blocks it out and you "forget." He said "Without a doubt, Yes." I hadn't explained to him my thoughts behind the question, but the example he gave with his answer was exactly the reason I was asking. He said that while we never truly forget (it stays with us at least subconsciously) we may not remember consciously as a survival mechanism. That makes sense to me. One of the reasons I feel that this abuse actually did happen is because I can remember one time when I was getting intimate with someone and I didn't want to say that I was feeling uncomfortable. I did after a few minutes but I kept saying I'm sorry, and that I felt bad about saying no. His response completely baffled me. "Why do you feel bad for saying no? It's YOUR body." After that I left and thought about his comment...I realized that it IS silly to feel bad; then I realized that I need to work on my boundaries when it comes to my body. I don't really have many. I think it originates from a lack of respect...for myself. Why I don't respect myself? I don't know. I guess it is just one more thing that I need to add to my list of things to work on. For Myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to love me...whether it be for a minute or a lifetime.

Last Tuesday I started my "job." Because I am currently on the state cash assistance program, I am able to do a "Work Experience" as a step to help get me where I want to go. Basically for the first one to three months, I volunteer my time and get paid the state assistance. Which, BTW, is not much. :) But it's enough to get by. I don't need a lot of things. I work at Royale Gardens and make beds and help out wherever I can. I'm not allowed to touch the residents or help them because I have not had the training yet. I hope to start the CNA classes they offer, but the date of the program keeps getting changed up. Working with the residents makes me do a lot of thinking...one lady says things like, "I used to have beautiful hair, before it all fell out" or "wow, it's so easy for you to do that" (make her bed). It's really sort of sad. It makes me realize that people that live in homes are lonely (one lady today even told me that! "Will you spend some time with me? They don't come to visit anymore."  Even though they constantly have other people around them, they are still sad. I have been trying to bond with the residents more and am going to try and figure out a way to cheer them up. One by one, I want to do something nice and help out. I just need to figure out what!

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

As I may have mentioned before I attend a support group once a week and this weekend they are hosting a retreat at the coast. I am happy I was invited to go. It will be a good learning experience to have three days to begin/continue healing my soul. Also...I believe it will be a good mini vacation from everyday life. Take a few days to recharge and gain some positive motivation and support. I really haven't any idea what to expect. Who knows...I may be bawling the entire time! :) Either way, I know it will be good for me!

"swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Want to put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous, then I'm through with you" 
 
Well, I think that's enough for one day. Hope everyone reading has a lovely day!