Emotional Wasteland

Been doing a lot of thinking lately about who I am, where I want to go in life and how I'm supposed to get there. I seem to be however, stuck in this whirlpool of...[self doubt]? I'm not sure exactly. I fear that if I don't find a ray of light soon, the path I'm on could have the potential to turn into a harmful one. How do you break the patterns of self defeating behavior? I know true strength blossoms from the inside and blooms outward. I only need to find my seed of strength.

Broken.

<p>I've got 10,000 pieces that is me. While I'm sitting here patiently trying to put them back together, they are all fighting and screaming to go in different directions. </p>

365 Days of Freedom

Today marks exactly one year since I left my worthless ex-husband. I am certainly celebrating! Happy One-Year Freedom Anniversary to Me!

My accomplishments for the last 365 days: got into my own apartment, paid off my car, obtained two wonderful jobs, started college, got everything I wanted in my divorce and most importantly, I get to see Zoey every day.

Zaks accomplishments: he's got a girlfriend, lives with his brother, and lost his truck for a duii.

Not that anybody is keeping track, but I'm pretty sure I'm kicking ass.

How does one become a butterfly? she asked pensively. You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.
Trina Paulus

I Will Never Forget You.

Though our time was sporadically spent together over a few months, I believe you left a lasting impression in my life. I learned a great deal about my strengths and weaknesses and how easy it can be to love and wholly accept another person for who they are. After my separation I felt I'd never be able to open my heart and care for another human being again. You (in your own peculiar way) helped me unlock the door. Life is short; not to be wasted on anything, let alone being afraid. I have been reminded to continually practice gratitude. Not everything in life is meant to last forever. I will cherish everything and everyone that enters into my life.

Thank you for everything. Really. I wish you only the absolute best with your family, your schooling, your health, your heart, and everything else that life may have to offer. I hope you always keep that wonderful smile on your face; it suits you well.

With love,

McKenzie

...

I think every single mom/parent wants their child to think they're amazing. I certainly am no exception. My daughter is my whole world. I know I would do anything for her, and I would do it in a heartbeat. I love my baby girl more than anything.

Opposite.

The opposite of being loved, in regards to either a friend or a partner, is being ignored. You don't ignore those you care about-unless they never really mattered in the first place.

I'm In A "Fuck It" Kind Of Mood Today.

So I'm gonna dye my hair. Do something a little more drastic!

Eat Pray Love

"I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life- so why did I feel like none of it resembled me?"

--Liz
Eat Pray Love

Only Girl (In The World)

I'm looking for some feedback here... How realistic do you think this is?

Gratitude.

Be grateful for what you have, for you never know when it might disappear from your life.

Oh My.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can and The wisdom to know the difference.

Cause today I sure need it.

A Journey Unknown.

What are we doing here? How are we supposed to know what the right thing to do is?

My mind is constantly churning and analyzing life, situations, myself, my choices and other people.

I am beginning to feel lost. What is the right choice? What is the right answer? Am I even doing the right thing? Am I setting a good example for my daughter? Where is the fine line between being a good parent and being my own person; having my own separate identity? Where do my expectations and ideals come from? Invented by a soul so fragile it needed them for survival I'm sure.

While I don't have the strength, courage, or want to believe in a higher power that knows what is best for me,  I feel I need to come in touch with my soul. To connect and have some sort of inner peace. My mind is stricken with questions that remain unanswered. The anxiety I feel on a daily basis is becoming more difficult to control. I feel if I don't remain steadfast on my life journey and remain constantly busy, the possibilities of what could happen are endless. What if I lose control and everything falls apart again? What is currently holding me together? I don't know. I feel at any moment everything could change and I will be back where I started.

I read something today about success. It went something like this: success is not measured by how much we have or who we know but rather it should be measured by how far we have come.

I fear failure. While there is a big part of me that continually strives for perfection, I am aware that this goal is completely unattainable. I am not sure if I could handle my life completely and utterly falling apart again. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

I suppose I just need to have faith in myself and stop second guessing my own choices. Every single one I've made has been for a specific reason, unconsciously known or not. Sometimes though, I just need that little bit of reassurance that I'm headed in the right direction. It makes me feel safe.

:)

Don't waste a minute not being happy.  If one window closes, run to the next window -- or break down a door.  - Brooke Shields

Poem.

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE SHORT CHAPTERS

                Portia Nelson

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in this same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.
I still fall in... it's a habit... but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Elliptical Illusions.

Is life merely a set of coincidences that happen to us or are we the architects of our own existence? I'd like to believe that we have control of our own lives. We control our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In reality we determine how our lives turn out. While we may not have control of others' behaviors we are responsible for our own. If there was something in life you wanted badly enough, you would make it yours; nothing would stop you.

We get stuck within the limitations of our own self defeating behaviors and continuously pull ourselves down. The key is to have the awareness to break free of the trap that ensnares us. Practice being more aware of your feelings. Take action in a situation instead of reacting to one.

Have faith, turn your negative thoughts into positive ones. Smile from the depth of your soul and simply enjoy life.

A Way To Be Happy.

In over a dozen years as a stress consultant, one of  the most                     pervasive and destructive mental   tendencies I've seen is                     that of focusing on what we want instead of what we have.       

It doesn't seem to make any difference how much we  have; we                       just keep expanding our list of desires,  which guarantees we                       will remain dissatisfied. The mind-set that says "I'll be happy when this desire  is fulfilled" is the same mind-set that will repeat  itself once that  desire is met. We want this or that.  If we  don't get what we  want we keep thinking about all  that we  don't                      have--and we remain dissatisfied.  If  we do  get what we want, we simply re-create the  same  thinking in our new circumstances.  So,  despite  getting what we want, we still remain  unhappy.  Happiness can't be found when we are  yearning for  new desires.

Luckily, there is a way to be happy.  It   involves changing  the emphasis of our thinking from  what we want to  what we have.  Rather than wishing  your spouse were  different,                     try thinking  about her  wonderful  qualities.  Instead of complaining about  your salary, be grateful that you have a job. Rather  than wishing you were able to take a                       vacation to  Hawaii, think of how much fun you have had close                       to  home.  The list of possibilities is endless!

Each time you notice yourself falling into the "I wish life were different" trap, back off and start over.                       Take a breath and remember all that   you have to be  grateful                     for.  When you focus not on what you want, but on what you have, you end up getting more of  what you want anyway.  If you focus on the good qualities of your spouse, she'll be more loving.  If you are grateful for your job rather than  complaining about it, you'll do a                       better job, be more productive, and probably end up getting                       a raise anyway.  If you focus on ways to enjoy yourself around home rather than than waiting to enjoy yourself  in Hawaii, you'll end up having more fun.  If you  ever do                      get to Hawaii, you'll be in the habit of   enjoying yourself.  And, if by some chance you don't, you'll have a great life anyway.

-by Richard Carson

After A While.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And   you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes  ahead,  with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child. And  you  learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground  is too  uncertain for plans, and futures have a way of falling down in   mid-flight. . After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to leave you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure; You really are strong, you really do have worth. And you learn, and you learn With every goodbye you learn.

I Love It.

So Brave.

I took my daughter to get her ears pierced today at the local tattoo parlor! Way more sanitary than any place that uses a piercing gun lol. However, I would like to say she took it like a champ! My little princess is growing up! :):):):)

A Walk On The Wild Side.

Lately I've been feeling the need for change, inside and out! So needless to say, I've been a bit spontaneous. Went and got pierced yesterday, going to dye my hair tomorrow, and in a few days I'm going on a road trip. Not that I'm throwing caution to the wind, but it's time I live a little more. Responsibly of course! :)

Real Life.

Last night I dreamt we bumped into each other again. I saw a sadness in your eyes which leaves me thinking about you a lot today. Hope all is well.

I Think So Too.

Nothing that’s worthwhile is ever easy. Remember that.

Truth?

There are two things in life that motivate you, the fear of pain and the desire for pleasure.

I Love This Song.

This is for You.

I'm not sure you even still read this, but even though we're not speaking, it doesn't mean I don't still think about you.

...Maybe someday I will see you at the He-Man Store.

Thank You!

I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all of my readers. I appreciate you taking the time to read all my random speculations! You're all welcome to leave any comments as you don't need an account to do so! Love you guys! :) to

No Fear.

I am not afraid to love again. Never thought I would say that, but it's finally true. While I have specific ideas about the type of person I want in my life, I am no longer afraid to let someone get close to me. I cannot let any fear rule my life. I Am In Charge Of My Own Life. Someday I will find a person that is willing and determined to put just as much effort as I am into a relationship. That day will come, someday. I will be patient and it will happen. I will let love find me...in the mean time, I'm just gonna have fun!

Today is a Musical Day.

Psych 101.

The Devil's Advocate-
Someone who spends more time looking at the 10 percent that doesn't fit than the 90 percent that does.

Truth.

A man who wants something will find a way; a man who doesn't will find an excuse.

- Stephen Dolley Jr.

Courage.

Courage is admitting that you're afraid and facing that fear directly. It's being strong enough to ask for help and humble enough to accept it.

Courage is standing up for what you believe in without worrying about the opinions of others. It's following your own heart, living your own life, and settling for nothing less than the best for yourself.

Courage is daring to take a first step, a big leap, or a different path. It's attempting to do something that no one has done before and all others thought impossible.

Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning. It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.

Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others. It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.

Courage is refusing to quit even when you're intimidated by impossibility. It's choosing a goal, sticking with it, and finding solutions to the problems.

Courage is thinking big, aiming high, and shooting far. It's taking a dream and doing anything, risking everything, and stopping at nothing to it make it a reality.

~ Caroline Kent ~

Lesson Learned?

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

**UPDATE**
6.7.11

Wrong.
Lesson learned?
Stop falling for men that are emotionally unavailable.
I've learned that ... no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back

Never Again.

I unintentionally allowed you to take Damn near everything from me once. Trust me, it won't happen again. Don't fuck with me or my baby; I'll make sure you suffer the consequences and I will have no qualms about it.

Do All Things With Love.

I am utterly convinced that all things happen for a reason. We may not be aware of the reason at the time, but there will come a day when it all makes sense.


I've had many wonderful changes occur in my life lately and feel extremely blessed. I've got my own apartment, my car is being fixed aesthetically and mechanically, I've got one job and had an interview for a second, and I am going to school part time. On top of all of that, and most importantly, I've got a wonderful daughter who means the world to me. She is the root of my undying motivation and determination.

Medford will be a new start, a new beginning, a new life. I've left the past completely behind and look forward to enjoying the dawning of a new day. I will not let anything bring me down or keep me from loving life completely and fully. I've had so much negativity in my past, that I simply will not tolerate it in my future. I welcome anything or anyone that the future holds for me and will continue to strive to do the best I can in every aspect of life. I will not give up. I will continue improving my life. Life is too short to be wasted on anything that doesn't try just as hard as I do. I am thankful for everyone who has been a part of my life because in one way or another, you've helped shape me into who I am. I love the person I am today. I never thought I'd be able to say that, but I do; I love who I am, and I mean it!

Wow.

A whole lot sure has changed in a year. It was definitely all for the better, and I'm content with the decision I made for my baby girl and myself.

It's Depressing.

"I care."
One of those phrases people are supposed to use when someone is feeling down. But how do you know when someone Really cares? I'm not sure there is a way. Suppose you believe them and then once you are feeling better they just leave. What do you do then? Next time you're depressed you won't believe people when they tell you they care..you obtain a sense of worthlessness. I've yet to find a way to overcome this. Hopefully I will soon.
I don't like feeling alone.

Continually Questioning...

Tonight I can't help but wonder if I've made the right decision.

Now that I'm alone,

I'm lonely and I miss him.

Got Dressed Through The Mess And Put A Smile On My Face.

Sometimes I sit and wonder what kind of impact (if any) my life has on others. Am I supposed to live my life to please others or to make myself happy? I find that lately I seem to be letting everyone down. I don't make the right choices or act the right way or even make enough time for people. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. I become the bad guy for wanting to better my life. Somehow that doesn't seem right to me, though like I asked before...what is the reason I am here? For all I know, I may be way off in my priorities..I wish someone would just tell me the right thing to do.
Lately-
I can't help but wonder if anyone would even cry if I died. Sad thing is, I'm not sure they would.

Life Is A "Work" In Progress.

Since my separation I've changed tremendously, Think of it similar to the change from night to day. Over the last few months I've become a way more independent, strong-willed woman who definitely isn't afraid to speak her mind. Today it was pointed out to me that perhaps I've taken the change (unintentionally of course) a little to the extreme. It actually shocked me to realize how some of my behavior is, quite honestly...unacceptable. I've been overly rude, and rather disrespectful. Now, I realize that part of sticking up for yourself and your boundaries comes with a certain amount of "hostility" that some people may not like or appreciate, but I think I've gone past the point of staying strong in my beliefs and entered the territory of flat out being a bitch. I was told by a friend that he was unaware I was capable of respecting his opinions and feelings. That really hurt me because I try very hard to be a good person, and I of course expect others to respect my thoughts and feelings. It hurt because at the moment it was spoken, I knew in my heart it was true. I am disappointed in myself for treating other people this way, but I greatly appreciate the feedback I received from him. I now know where I need more improvement, and will be able to work on it accordingly.

I think perhaps another aspect of this behavior is fear. I am afraid to let anyone get close to me, no matter my relationship with them. When I feel they are climbing over my walls, I push them away in one way or another. I may rationalize my behavior, I may overly scrutinize theirs, or even ignore them. The possibilities are endless. One thing I am learning is that it is OK to let people care about me. It's OK to let people in and to care about other people. It's OK to love again, whether it be friends, family, or whoever. I need to realize that not everyone is out to hurt me. I know it sounds like a silly thing to say, but past experiences have taught me that I was worthless and people shouldn't care about me. Rewiring my thinking patterns are a slight struggle; it's hard to unlearn something that's been branded into your soul for such a long period of time. However, I have faith in myself!

On an even more positive note-life lately has been Great! I've started my CNA classes through my work and am doing well in my classes at RCC. I am almost back up on my feet and it feels SO good. My divorce Should be final here within the next few days, and I can't wait. This is my time to shine, this is the beginning of my new life and I couldn't be happier. I am doing this all on my own and have a lot to be proud of. It's crazy to think that for so long my life was in chaos, but now that it's coming together perfectly, I couldn't ask for more. I am so blessed to have a wonderful support system of friends and family. I really do love and appreciate all of you that have been there for me in one way or another on this long adventure. You're all wonderful and I'm glad to have you a part of my journey in life-no matter how small the role may seem, you're important to me.