it just hit me!
I realize now why I am having such a hard time with this.
I was perfectly fine and content and happy...until Zak told me that he didn't want to be with me either. That he didn't even like me as a friend anymore. Then I started getting upset and sad, and having these mood swings...and now...I realize why.
I married my mother. I married my mother, and now just because of those few words, I feel abandoned all over again. It's absolutely ridiculous. That's why I keep asking myself all those questions- "Why did he stop loving me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Am I just unlovable?"
I don't feel like getting into it too much right now, but my mom left when I was 6 and moved farther and farther away. First just into town, then to Northern California, and finally Arizona. I would see her once a year, and then it became every couple years. Now, I don't care to see her at all. She could not stop drinking or doing her drugs long enough to buy one single plane ticket to come and see me and my brother. I felt the exact same feelings I'm feeling now-unlovable, worthless, and many other emotions. It's amazing how two completely unrelated events can be so connected. How one can trigger such strong emotions about the other.
I think actually realizing that this is why I am having such mood swings right now is really going to help stop them. Because I have come to terms (mostly) with the situation with my mom, I know that it is not me. I know that her vices were just too strong to break. It's not that she didn't love me...it's that she loved them more. She just was never meant to be a mother...it wasn't her strong suit. Now just to apply the same logic to my current situation...it's not that Zak is a terrible person, or a bad father, he just isn't meant to be a husband; at least not yet. Maybe someday he will overcome the issues that caused him to not communicate or lie and make excuses. He just was never meant to be with me. He gave me a wonderful gift. Zoey. I think that from this three year long experience, I will have learned a lot.
Other people have no say in my worth.
I AM lovable.
Some people are just not meant to be _____.
I am okay with that.
Hm. I feel so much better realizing all of this.
Now on a brighter note...
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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2 comments:
you will always have emotions like these no matter what happened in your past. zak has mistreated you, he broke you, disrespected you. he does not deserve you. you need to let yourself feel those emotions now that way when it is time for you to move on, you can avoid anyone like that again. keep your chin up, stay strong and love yourself and zoey above all =D you are a truly amazing person and are very capable of being loved, respected and cherished. you are a stronger person because of what you have gone through. now its time for you to start over, build a carer & a life for you and zoey. maybe this is the time for you to go to school & do what you want to do, if you need help getting started let me know. =D
I agree with Laura. :) Although I don't know many of the details or really never was there to see what Zak was like, but usually friends are never far off. I believe that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Just don't let it harden your heart. Always allow yourself to feel love and let love flow in and out of you. Just, I guess know how far to take it. You can do this. :) Chin up! Oh, and btw nice music video ;)
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