When I Hear Somebody Sigh, ‘Life Is Hard,’ I Am Always Tempted To Ask, ‘Compared To What?'

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about my marriage lately. Trying to remember the good times, but only coming up with not-so-good memories and  remembering the pain. There are multiple reasons I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, but the main one is that in a little over a month, my divorce will be finally over; I'll officially be single again. It's a crazy, crazy thought to think that of all the passion and love I held for one person, it was all for nothing, and now I'm left with a few lessons learned and a healing heart. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy to be moved on and away from such a destructive relationship, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. I think something like that will stay with a person for a lifetime. It dramatically affects who you are, and you'll never ever be the same.

"They can live without you."

I read something today that just pulled at my heartstrings; it can be disheartening, yet it's the simple truth.
“Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them, no matter how much you don’t want them to. There are some things that are far beyond our control. Even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold harsh truth — the people that you can’t live without, can live without you.”

Our "Happy" Family

I think back to a few years ago when it was clear as day that Zak no longer wanted me, yet I was as blind as a bat and continued to fight for something that was obviously over. I fought the fight for both of us, thinking if I held on or tried just a little bit harder, he would love me again, and things would be perfect. Boy, was I wrong! I learned the hard way that “it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” We lose the people we love because we are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn’t belong to us anymore.

I sit here and analyze my marriage. I analyze my behavior, my ex's behavior and try to learn how to not make the same mistakes. I don't want to end up in another relationship years from now doing the same thing and making the same mistakes. That would be pure insanity. After Zak and I first split up, even this last time, I had needed to know that I meant something, anything to him. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss. You live and you learn, that’s how it is. Now, I try to be a better person everyday and make strides in evolving and changing my destructive habits-one baby step at a time. After all, I've got my whole life ahead of me! I guess I might as well just enjoy the ride and let life lead me by the hand.

Thanksgiving- The Act Of Giving Thanks.

Due to my recent circumstances, I find it hard to be thankful this year. However, I am determined to sit here until I think of something, anything. When I tell people what I'm thankful for, I want it to be sincere and from the heart. Not just your general "I'm thankful for blahbitty, blah, blah..."

So first off, I am thankful for:

• My daughter, Zoey. She is the glue that holds my whole world together. Without her, I don't know where I'd be today. 
• My family. Though we don't always get along, it's nice to know that at the end of the day we're all there for each other no matter what!
• My true friends. The ones that say they will always be there for you, and actually are. The ones that don't care if you talk about the same stupid shit over and over again until you get it out of your mind. The ones that really do make an impact on your day to day living whether they think so or not. To you guys- I love you.
• Music. "Once in a while, you find that one song that understands you perfectly."

To sum it up.

I'm thankful that after everything I'm going through I still have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, and a beautiful daughter to wake up to every morning. I'm thankful that I have a car that works and a plan of action for my future (CNA classes, and RCC classes). I'm thankful for those few people that can always put a smile on my face no matter what, and for the ones that remind me that I am blessed, that life really is worth living and things will always get better.

Indeed.

"Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle."
— T.H. Thompson and John Watson

There Are Days When The Sun No Longer Seems To Shine, When Even The Yummiest Hot Chocolate Will Not Warm Your Soul.

There are days when someone pulls the plug on the bathwater and it runs dry. Empty and cold, it sits there waiting to be used again; waiting for someone to love it passionately for even a few moments, when eventually it comes to realize that it is no longer desired...that somebody no longer wants to be in it's presence. So it sits alone, in the dark, with only the tiniest glimmer of hope that it will be wanted again someday. 

(Owner of Photograph)

Through various methods and life experiences, I've been taught not to share my feelings. Well, my true feelings. I'm talking about the courteous, "how are you?" I don't share the feelings because I've found (or imagined) people never really care. Nobody wants to be around a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy." Why even talk about those feelings when you're feeling them if nobody really cares? Seems logical right? Well I think that if most of you knew the things going through my head right now, you would probably either 1-never talk to me again because it's so pessimistic, or 2-never leave me alone out of worry or fear or whatever. Now don't get me wrong, I'm naturally a very happy, positive soul, but I seem to have been caught in this net of darkness that drags me farther down into the deep crevices of the ocean. I figure now is as good time as any to just throw it all out there. There isn't a soul that knows where I live (so I can wallow in peace) and if there is...I promise, I'll be fine.

Life is mysterious. The shift from being in such a happy, loving place to one where it's so empty it takes every ounce of strength to drag yourself out of bed, is literally like a slap in the face. You catch your breath and wonder, "what the hell just happened?!" I don't know what brought me here, and I don't really know how to get away from it. Pretending and "faking it till I make it" clearly wasn't and isn't working. Perhaps now, a year (tomorrow) after my initial separation from my husband I am finally grieving, and along with it comes all the past hurt I've endured. Perhaps my support group is helping me confront past issues that bring up so much pain I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know. I do know I've been in a lot of pain for a long time. My first attempt at suicide was at 12. We were discussing suicide in my group this last Monday and it's clear that many people have never felt the overwhelming darkness that comes with depression. Some suggested that it was a means of being selfish. I disagree. While I can see how one would perceive suicide as selfish, anyone that has contemplated it would understand that place of "aloneness." Others suggested that merely trying and failing was a cry for attention. I disagree with this statement also. Not a single soul knew I attempted suicide at 12 years old, and I honestly doubt that my husband knew I attempted multiple times while we were married. The things that stopped me were lack of knowledge and fear. My method of choice would be Pills. From my first attempt to my most recent, I continually increased the number of pills I ingested. Clearly, my last amount was not enough. I know better when and/or if there is a next time. I make no promises. I do know that if it not for Zoey, I would probably not be getting out of bed every morning. She makes the world turn, and the sun shine. Yet there are days my patience runs short and I wonder if she'd be better off without me.

Recently I've been pondering what I did to deserve the life experiences I've gone and am going through. I'm not sure, the answer remains unknown to me. I do know however that I will learn from every single one and be a stronger person because of it. My current state of mind recognizes this fact but still attempts to mosey along halfheartedly in the dark. I feel empty and alone. Many people have been telling me they are here for me, yet I still feel alone. Why? I hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore. My only option is to continue what I'm doing. Get out of bed, keep working on being a more patient and understanding person, maintain my journey of personal growth, and attempt to put a real smile on my face whenever possible.

(Owner of Photograph)

On another note, Thank you to those of you that truly are there for me when I need you. I Apologize to those that I've been short with lately or have completely ignored. I have no excuses. I'm still learning this concept of real friendship. Communication is everything, if I have offended or wronged you, please tell me. I may not be fully aware of the situation, as I am not a mind reader.

• "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

• "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."

• "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

Random Quotes I Love.

"Living in the past is kind of like living in a coffin...it's totally constraining, and ends up being a lid on your growth" - Doug Firebaugh

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

"You can never tell when something you might say or do, just a little extra effort on your part, might go a long way toward helping someone. That person will remember you and your action, or your words, for many years to come." - Earl Nightingale

"Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." - Author Unknown

However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. - Deepak Chopra 

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. - Anthony Robbins

Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things. - Stephen R. Covey

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. - Deepak Chopra

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours. - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Novelist

"Every experience you have ever had is over. Every thought you've ever had, started and finished. Every emotion and mood you've experienced has been replaced by another. Eventually, every thing disappears into nothingness. Life is just one thing after another. This, too, shall pass." - Author Unknown

Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.- Kathy

Emptiness is a symptom that you are not living creatively. You either have no goal that is important enough to you, or you are not using your talents and efforts in a striving toward an important goal - Maxwell Maltz

Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." - Richard Bach
 

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Jung

One Day At A Time.

The last few days I have felt really...insecure...like way beyond normal...and I'm not sure why. In feeling that way, I have become aware of how dysfunctional my thinking has become. Sure, people have said some really mean things to me in the past, but just because they said it, that doesn't make it true right?! So the task laid out before me now is how to break this way of thinking. I have yet to come across any ideas that really stand out to me, but maybe this is just a slow process. I've got my whole life to figure it out, so I think I'll just take it one day at a time.

The Secret of Letting Go.

Last few days have been a roller coaster ride! Friday I turned in my divorce papers and will soon be Miss McKenzie Carpenter once again! :) I am so very excited. One step closer to being officially on my own. I can't wait. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a good time for me to be alone. Right now, I really have a dysfunctional state of mind, due to issues from my past. Until I solve those problems, I will not make a good partner for anyone. I know this. I don't want to meet the right guy and screw things up because I'm dysfunctional ya know? Therefore, I must fix these ASAP. :) It's hard for me to work on the issues because I don't want to deal with those negative emotions. There are things I need to work on with my mom such as abandonment issues and (I have come to recently find out...) possible sexual abuse from her boyfriend (when I was 6). I say possible because I don't remember...but I recognize many of the signs in my behaviors, and apparently there was a comment I made to my dad about it back then. I recently had a good discussion about traumatic events with a good friend of mine. I had asked if he thought it possible to have an experience so traumatic that the mind blocks it out and you "forget." He said "Without a doubt, Yes." I hadn't explained to him my thoughts behind the question, but the example he gave with his answer was exactly the reason I was asking. He said that while we never truly forget (it stays with us at least subconsciously) we may not remember consciously as a survival mechanism. That makes sense to me. One of the reasons I feel that this abuse actually did happen is because I can remember one time when I was getting intimate with someone and I didn't want to say that I was feeling uncomfortable. I did after a few minutes but I kept saying I'm sorry, and that I felt bad about saying no. His response completely baffled me. "Why do you feel bad for saying no? It's YOUR body." After that I left and thought about his comment...I realized that it IS silly to feel bad; then I realized that I need to work on my boundaries when it comes to my body. I don't really have many. I think it originates from a lack of respect...for myself. Why I don't respect myself? I don't know. I guess it is just one more thing that I need to add to my list of things to work on. For Myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to love me...whether it be for a minute or a lifetime.

Last Tuesday I started my "job." Because I am currently on the state cash assistance program, I am able to do a "Work Experience" as a step to help get me where I want to go. Basically for the first one to three months, I volunteer my time and get paid the state assistance. Which, BTW, is not much. :) But it's enough to get by. I don't need a lot of things. I work at Royale Gardens and make beds and help out wherever I can. I'm not allowed to touch the residents or help them because I have not had the training yet. I hope to start the CNA classes they offer, but the date of the program keeps getting changed up. Working with the residents makes me do a lot of thinking...one lady says things like, "I used to have beautiful hair, before it all fell out" or "wow, it's so easy for you to do that" (make her bed). It's really sort of sad. It makes me realize that people that live in homes are lonely (one lady today even told me that! "Will you spend some time with me? They don't come to visit anymore."  Even though they constantly have other people around them, they are still sad. I have been trying to bond with the residents more and am going to try and figure out a way to cheer them up. One by one, I want to do something nice and help out. I just need to figure out what!

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

As I may have mentioned before I attend a support group once a week and this weekend they are hosting a retreat at the coast. I am happy I was invited to go. It will be a good learning experience to have three days to begin/continue healing my soul. Also...I believe it will be a good mini vacation from everyday life. Take a few days to recharge and gain some positive motivation and support. I really haven't any idea what to expect. Who knows...I may be bawling the entire time! :) Either way, I know it will be good for me!

"swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Want to put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous, then I'm through with you" 
 
Well, I think that's enough for one day. Hope everyone reading has a lovely day!