When it Rains, it POURS...

I cannot even begin to help you understand how fucking ridiculous this last week/10 days have been. I really just, am so over everything right now. I don't understand why everything is happening RIGHT NOW. What, couldn't life space itself out just a little bit?!?

Let me start from the beginning:

• Friday I left Zak. Moved all my shit out while he was at work and am now learning how to be alone again. I know that sounds silly, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I have trouble sleeping alone so I sometimes bring Zoey into bed with me because I can't sleep. Happy I'm single, but lonely. 
• Wednesday my dad goes to the Emergency Room for throwing up blood. Turns out he had some internal bleeding, had to do a bunch of tests and is hopefully going to be better. They let him come home while waiting for the test results...(he just came home FINALLY today). 
• Friday I find out that the people I thought were my friends, really weren't. Won't speak to me because they were friends with Zak first...(with the exception of a very small number of people). Then I find out they are spreading rumors about me, saying that I said I could fuck my best friends man whenever I wanted. Which is SOOOOOOOOOO not true. Makes me VERY angry. 
• Then I find out while I am working hard to find a job and make a new and GOOD life for me and Zoey, Zak has been out drunk EVERY night, and there are "rumors" he is doing hard drugs again. Which yeah, I could see it cause last time we split up he did it then too...So that feels super awesome. I don't regret or mind being the responsible one because I'd do Anything for Zoey, but it just sucks that I won't ever get a break anymore...because with the decisions he's making, who knows what will happen.
• TODAY----------------------------UGHH. I find out that WEDNESDAY, my mom went into the Emergency Room Also..............she was ALSO bleeding, and turns out she has LEUKEMIA........

So all I have to say is WHYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEE???????? I try so fucking hard to stay positive and not get down, and right now it's just one thing after a-fucking-nother. I don't understand why God is doing this right now, but it sucks...A Lot..............


To sum it all up, I left my husband, am trying to find any income so I can take care of Zoey, trying to get into school so I can give her a good life, both my parents went into the hospital--one for internal bleeding and one for leukemia, my "friends" ditched me and are talking shit, and my ex is drinking and doing drugs.

So yeah, life is great.

"No matter how far life pushes you down, no matter how much you hurt, you can always bounce back." - Sheryl Swoopes

Like a bolt of lightening...

it just hit me!

I realize now why I am having such a hard time with this.

I was perfectly fine and content and happy...until Zak told me that he didn't want to be with me either. That he didn't even like me as a friend anymore. Then I started getting upset and sad, and having these mood swings...and now...I realize why.

I married my mother. I married my mother, and now just because of those few words, I feel abandoned all over again. It's absolutely ridiculous. That's why I keep asking myself all those questions- "Why did he stop loving me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Am I just unlovable?"

I don't feel like getting into it too much right now, but my mom left when I was 6 and moved farther and farther away. First just into town, then to Northern California, and finally Arizona. I would see her once a year, and then it became every couple years. Now, I don't care to see her at all. She could not stop drinking or doing her drugs long enough to buy one single plane ticket to come and see me and my brother. I felt the exact same feelings I'm feeling now-unlovable, worthless, and many other emotions. It's amazing how two completely unrelated events can be so connected. How one can trigger such strong emotions about the other.

I think actually realizing that this is why I am having such mood swings right now is really going to help stop them. Because I have come to terms (mostly) with the situation with my mom, I know that it is not me. I know that her vices were just too strong to break. It's not that she didn't love me...it's that she loved them more. She just was never meant to be a mother...it wasn't her strong suit. Now just to apply the same logic to my current situation...it's not that Zak is a terrible person, or a bad father, he just isn't meant to be a husband; at least not yet. Maybe someday he will overcome the issues that caused him to not communicate or lie and make excuses. He just was never meant to be with me. He gave me a wonderful gift. Zoey. I think that from this three year long experience, I will have learned a lot.

Other people have no say in my worth.
I AM lovable.
Some people are just not meant to be _____.

I am okay with that.

Hm. I feel so much better realizing all of this.

Now on a brighter note...

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Today is crappy. I am trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I am happy I'm not with Zak anymore, but I am upset and my mind just won't stop thinking. "Why did he stop loving me?" "Am I just unlovable?" "What did I do wrong?" etc. Even though I don't want to be with him, it still hurts to know that someone doesn't love you anymore. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to stay busy. Today is just blahh, but tomorrow will be very busy...so many errands to run, so many places to go. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, but I know that I need to stay strong for Zoey. I force the smile on my face and I tell her I love her about a million times a day. She is everything. I am doing this for her too. WE are going to have an AWESOME life. I just have to get started. I need to go beg for a job tomorrow. I feel like a labor intensive job would be best for me right now, I'll get my mind off of things, get a work out, make some money...and I won't have to deal with the public. So many stupid little things keep making me tear up, it is absolutely ridiculous. I have to stop thinking about the past or what could have been and focus on what I know will be. It will take time and patience. But I will be okay. We will be okay. In fact, we will be better than okay, we will be GREAT. 


Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz

A New Beginning.

Well, yesterday I left my husband.


I feel many emotions, and it's hard to sort through them sometimes, but I know this is the best decision I have made for me and Zoey in a Long time. I was tired of being the only one trying to make things work. Telling him every day.."Hey, this isn't working, I need you to do something...anything. Put in some kind of effort." I was tired of being disrespected on a daily basis. Basically I was tired of being treated exactly the same way it was before we split up last time; like a Doormat. One thing our breakup taught me last time, was what I deserve, and what I will not tolerate. I know that I do not deserve to be treated in such a way.

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

I found this quote the other day, and it makes me realize that, had we stayed split up a few months ago...I would not have been ready to be single, not as able to handle things that needed to be taken care of. I still wanted to be with Zak. I still loved him...hated him for the way he was acting, but still loved him. Now, things are completely different. I do not love Zak. He will always have a place in my heart, yes, but I do not love him. I am very excited to be on my own, and actually, for the first time in my life...I feel I can accomplish and earn ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I've ever wanted. I believe that now. It doesn't just sound like hollow words anymore. I don't intend on jumping right back out there and dating. I just want to enjoy my time with Zoey and let her know as much as possible that Mommy and Daddy still love her..That it was NOT her fault at all. I hope that someday she will know how much I want her to understand that.

I am really trying to stay positive when it comes to Zak and Zoey. Honestly, I don't think he will be around too much. I think he will for a while, and then I think he'll get caught up in being a 22 year old single male-Partying, Drinking, Drugs, etc. Because that's exactly what he did last time...the only difference now, is how much he said he wanted to see her. Once a week, and every other weekend. Last time it was every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  I am not going to get my hopes up, because I know I am only going to be disappointed. If he does stay in her life, even better, I really hope he does, because I know what it feels like to have a parent abandon you...and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

There is no going back this time.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me."

I learned my lesson this time. There is no going back, nor would I ever Want to go back. Things would never be the same, trust would never be repaired, hearts would never be healed. I can't wait for my new life to really begin. I am working on healing myself, restoring my self confidence, building trust for society, and achieving what I set my mind to. I hope to look back someday and say, that was THE best learning experience of my life; yes it was hurtful, but I wouldn't take it back for anything.

So here's to the beginning of a new chapter, the beginning of a better, happier life.

I bid you Adieu, old one.

Sweet Party Mix--SUPER YUMMY!

Prep: 10 Minutes
Bake: 20 Minutes
Oven: 300°F
Makes 12 Cups Mix

• 3 Cups Corn Chex
• 3 Cups Rice Chex
• 2 Cups Pretzel Knots
• 1 1/2 Cups Peanuts
• 1 Cup Brown Sugar
• 7 Tablespoons Butter
• 4 Tablespoons Light-Colored Corn Syrup
• 1/3 Teaspoon Baking Soda
• 1 1/2 Cup Cranberries
• 1 Cup Plain M&M's

In a large roasting pan or cookie sheet combine cereals, pretzels, and peanuts; set aside.

In a medium saucepan combine brown sugar, butter, and corn syrup. Cook and stir over medium heat until mixture boils. Continue boiling at a moderate, steady rate, without stirring, for 5 minutes more. Remove saucepan from heat; stir in baking soda, Pour over cereal mixture; stir gently to coat.

Bake in a 300°F oven for 15 minutes; stir cereal mixture and bake 5 minutes more; remove from oven; stir in dried fruit and cool. Then add M&M's. Store in an airtight container.

Love Dare Update!

Due to a few recent events, and a few possible BIG changes, I am taking a hiatus on the love dare. Zak may or may not be joining me in the dare, but we will find out later!

Taking A Break.

Well, today Zak left for the first wildfire of the season, not sure when he will be back, but I am praying for his safety!  I haven't really kept up the last few days of the challenge because he didn't know I was doing the challenge in the first place and having him home for a week was a little bit difficult to complete without him finding out. So anyway, when he eventually gets back from the fire, I will continue on with the challenge. :) I'm not sure what fire he went to, but I know that it was started from the lightning last night.