One Day At A Time.

The last few days I have felt really...insecure...like way beyond normal...and I'm not sure why. In feeling that way, I have become aware of how dysfunctional my thinking has become. Sure, people have said some really mean things to me in the past, but just because they said it, that doesn't make it true right?! So the task laid out before me now is how to break this way of thinking. I have yet to come across any ideas that really stand out to me, but maybe this is just a slow process. I've got my whole life to figure it out, so I think I'll just take it one day at a time.

The Secret of Letting Go.

Last few days have been a roller coaster ride! Friday I turned in my divorce papers and will soon be Miss McKenzie Carpenter once again! :) I am so very excited. One step closer to being officially on my own. I can't wait. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a good time for me to be alone. Right now, I really have a dysfunctional state of mind, due to issues from my past. Until I solve those problems, I will not make a good partner for anyone. I know this. I don't want to meet the right guy and screw things up because I'm dysfunctional ya know? Therefore, I must fix these ASAP. :) It's hard for me to work on the issues because I don't want to deal with those negative emotions. There are things I need to work on with my mom such as abandonment issues and (I have come to recently find out...) possible sexual abuse from her boyfriend (when I was 6). I say possible because I don't remember...but I recognize many of the signs in my behaviors, and apparently there was a comment I made to my dad about it back then. I recently had a good discussion about traumatic events with a good friend of mine. I had asked if he thought it possible to have an experience so traumatic that the mind blocks it out and you "forget." He said "Without a doubt, Yes." I hadn't explained to him my thoughts behind the question, but the example he gave with his answer was exactly the reason I was asking. He said that while we never truly forget (it stays with us at least subconsciously) we may not remember consciously as a survival mechanism. That makes sense to me. One of the reasons I feel that this abuse actually did happen is because I can remember one time when I was getting intimate with someone and I didn't want to say that I was feeling uncomfortable. I did after a few minutes but I kept saying I'm sorry, and that I felt bad about saying no. His response completely baffled me. "Why do you feel bad for saying no? It's YOUR body." After that I left and thought about his comment...I realized that it IS silly to feel bad; then I realized that I need to work on my boundaries when it comes to my body. I don't really have many. I think it originates from a lack of respect...for myself. Why I don't respect myself? I don't know. I guess it is just one more thing that I need to add to my list of things to work on. For Myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to love me...whether it be for a minute or a lifetime.

Last Tuesday I started my "job." Because I am currently on the state cash assistance program, I am able to do a "Work Experience" as a step to help get me where I want to go. Basically for the first one to three months, I volunteer my time and get paid the state assistance. Which, BTW, is not much. :) But it's enough to get by. I don't need a lot of things. I work at Royale Gardens and make beds and help out wherever I can. I'm not allowed to touch the residents or help them because I have not had the training yet. I hope to start the CNA classes they offer, but the date of the program keeps getting changed up. Working with the residents makes me do a lot of thinking...one lady says things like, "I used to have beautiful hair, before it all fell out" or "wow, it's so easy for you to do that" (make her bed). It's really sort of sad. It makes me realize that people that live in homes are lonely (one lady today even told me that! "Will you spend some time with me? They don't come to visit anymore."  Even though they constantly have other people around them, they are still sad. I have been trying to bond with the residents more and am going to try and figure out a way to cheer them up. One by one, I want to do something nice and help out. I just need to figure out what!

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

As I may have mentioned before I attend a support group once a week and this weekend they are hosting a retreat at the coast. I am happy I was invited to go. It will be a good learning experience to have three days to begin/continue healing my soul. Also...I believe it will be a good mini vacation from everyday life. Take a few days to recharge and gain some positive motivation and support. I really haven't any idea what to expect. Who knows...I may be bawling the entire time! :) Either way, I know it will be good for me!

"swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Want to put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous, then I'm through with you" 
 
Well, I think that's enough for one day. Hope everyone reading has a lovely day!

A Few Random Thoughts

This has been a very positive week! I'm making a lot of wonderful new friends that give me some awesome perspective on life and all of it's wonderful situations. Had a great time Monday and Tuesday nights with these people...The more I attend this group and am around these people, the better I feel. It's great because we can all relate to each other so the environment it creates is awesome.

Monday I realized a lot about my mom. I am pissed as hell at her. Beyond Pissed. I could go on and on about all the things I think of her, but I think that it would probably all need to be censored. I've been doing a lot of thinking about her because she is dying. I've debated between just completely not giving a shit and not even going to her funeral, to calling her and talking with her about all the things I'm upset about. On one hand I look like a bitch for not even caring, and on the other I look like a bitch for telling her off when she's dying. (hm, which would be the lesser of the two evils?) I've decided to call her...tomorrow...which coincidentally is her birthday, and talk to her. I have a lot of issues that root back to situations involving my mother, and I won't be able to fix them if she's dead...and so I need to at the very least get them off my chest. Even if she doesn't say anything back. I need to work on me and heal my past hurts. I really really hope that I get something out of tomorrow, whether it be a new sense of peace or some kind of understanding...I need something to know that going through this tomorrow will be worth it. But I know I definitely don't want to look back someday and say.."what if?"

Aside from that the week was fairly awesome. Stayed positive and am getting a lot of other things figured out in regards to Zak. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper stoked about that! You don't even know!

Today was a little frustrating though and I caught myself in a funk for a while there...I feel like I am trying so hard to work on myself and some days I feel like I haven't made any progress at all! One of my friends today kindly reminded me that we are all a work in progress, this is a life-long journey. That really helped me get my head out of the ground and back into the clouds where it belongs. I know I have a lot of things to work on...hopefully realizing this and admitting it will be a good first step towards becoming the person I envision myself as.

I find myself getting so caught up in staying busy that I let my life become a huge unorganized mess. Not literally, well, sometimes...but mostly I just shove everything over into the back of my mind instead of dealing with it and then I find it stacked so high it tumbles down upon me in the most inappropriate moments. Like today I heard a song while sitting in Dairy Queen and just out of nowhere almost started crying. I had to get up and go outside. I have to start getting my "self-help" processes all organized so that I can follow through more appropriately and not have crazy moments like that.

Tuesday I start a new job that I believe will be a good step in the right direction to providing a good life for Zoey. It's not necessarily something I want to do, but the money will be good and I'll be able to take care of my daughter the way I want to. Not right now of course, but eventually. She deserves the world. I can't believe how grown up she is! She is so smart and funny. The size of her personality is amazing, I can't believe such a small person can have such a big personality. It's really really wonderful. I just love her so much! I don't know what I would to without her.

Hm, well I am going to watch my best friends daughter in the morning so I better get my little behind to sleep! Hope that everyone reading this knows that

We make our own happiness, we cannot rely upon others to make us feel better (or feel worse for that matter)....Life is all a matter of perspective. 

I hope you see life through rose colored glasses.

Life is good!

*sigh*

I finally feel like life is turning around. I'm getting ready to go back to school...just waiting on my financial aid to get back, and then I'm ready to go! I've got some great friends who I absolutely adore. I always felt like I didn't have any when I was with Zak. I guess that's because I felt like I was supposed to stay home and I didn't feel like I was really supposed to have my own life...because Zak WAS my life. Ugh, anyway SO glad I'm out of there. I am really enjoying my new life. I am always so happy, and always so optimistic and positive. I LOVE feeling this way. I don't know how I survived without it. I can't believe I lasted so long feeling so empty and unimportant. Now that I have control of my own life, I am really starting to love the person I am, and the one I'm becoming! I am starting to love ME. It's about fucking time! ;) gosh, I could just go on and on about how much I am loving life, but I won't bore anyone with that haha. I can't wait to get a job and my own house! It's going to be so lovely to have my own house. :) :) :) I have an interview on Tuesday at a veterinary clinic in Medford and I hope I get it! Life is starting to look up. :)

You can complain because roses have thorns. Or you can rejoice that thorns have roses.

- Ziggy

When it Rains, it POURS...

I cannot even begin to help you understand how fucking ridiculous this last week/10 days have been. I really just, am so over everything right now. I don't understand why everything is happening RIGHT NOW. What, couldn't life space itself out just a little bit?!?

Let me start from the beginning:

• Friday I left Zak. Moved all my shit out while he was at work and am now learning how to be alone again. I know that sounds silly, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I have trouble sleeping alone so I sometimes bring Zoey into bed with me because I can't sleep. Happy I'm single, but lonely. 
• Wednesday my dad goes to the Emergency Room for throwing up blood. Turns out he had some internal bleeding, had to do a bunch of tests and is hopefully going to be better. They let him come home while waiting for the test results...(he just came home FINALLY today). 
• Friday I find out that the people I thought were my friends, really weren't. Won't speak to me because they were friends with Zak first...(with the exception of a very small number of people). Then I find out they are spreading rumors about me, saying that I said I could fuck my best friends man whenever I wanted. Which is SOOOOOOOOOO not true. Makes me VERY angry. 
• Then I find out while I am working hard to find a job and make a new and GOOD life for me and Zoey, Zak has been out drunk EVERY night, and there are "rumors" he is doing hard drugs again. Which yeah, I could see it cause last time we split up he did it then too...So that feels super awesome. I don't regret or mind being the responsible one because I'd do Anything for Zoey, but it just sucks that I won't ever get a break anymore...because with the decisions he's making, who knows what will happen.
• TODAY----------------------------UGHH. I find out that WEDNESDAY, my mom went into the Emergency Room Also..............she was ALSO bleeding, and turns out she has LEUKEMIA........

So all I have to say is WHYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEE???????? I try so fucking hard to stay positive and not get down, and right now it's just one thing after a-fucking-nother. I don't understand why God is doing this right now, but it sucks...A Lot..............


To sum it all up, I left my husband, am trying to find any income so I can take care of Zoey, trying to get into school so I can give her a good life, both my parents went into the hospital--one for internal bleeding and one for leukemia, my "friends" ditched me and are talking shit, and my ex is drinking and doing drugs.

So yeah, life is great.

"No matter how far life pushes you down, no matter how much you hurt, you can always bounce back." - Sheryl Swoopes

Like a bolt of lightening...

it just hit me!

I realize now why I am having such a hard time with this.

I was perfectly fine and content and happy...until Zak told me that he didn't want to be with me either. That he didn't even like me as a friend anymore. Then I started getting upset and sad, and having these mood swings...and now...I realize why.

I married my mother. I married my mother, and now just because of those few words, I feel abandoned all over again. It's absolutely ridiculous. That's why I keep asking myself all those questions- "Why did he stop loving me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Am I just unlovable?"

I don't feel like getting into it too much right now, but my mom left when I was 6 and moved farther and farther away. First just into town, then to Northern California, and finally Arizona. I would see her once a year, and then it became every couple years. Now, I don't care to see her at all. She could not stop drinking or doing her drugs long enough to buy one single plane ticket to come and see me and my brother. I felt the exact same feelings I'm feeling now-unlovable, worthless, and many other emotions. It's amazing how two completely unrelated events can be so connected. How one can trigger such strong emotions about the other.

I think actually realizing that this is why I am having such mood swings right now is really going to help stop them. Because I have come to terms (mostly) with the situation with my mom, I know that it is not me. I know that her vices were just too strong to break. It's not that she didn't love me...it's that she loved them more. She just was never meant to be a mother...it wasn't her strong suit. Now just to apply the same logic to my current situation...it's not that Zak is a terrible person, or a bad father, he just isn't meant to be a husband; at least not yet. Maybe someday he will overcome the issues that caused him to not communicate or lie and make excuses. He just was never meant to be with me. He gave me a wonderful gift. Zoey. I think that from this three year long experience, I will have learned a lot.

Other people have no say in my worth.
I AM lovable.
Some people are just not meant to be _____.

I am okay with that.

Hm. I feel so much better realizing all of this.

Now on a brighter note...

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Today is crappy. I am trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I am happy I'm not with Zak anymore, but I am upset and my mind just won't stop thinking. "Why did he stop loving me?" "Am I just unlovable?" "What did I do wrong?" etc. Even though I don't want to be with him, it still hurts to know that someone doesn't love you anymore. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to stay busy. Today is just blahh, but tomorrow will be very busy...so many errands to run, so many places to go. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, but I know that I need to stay strong for Zoey. I force the smile on my face and I tell her I love her about a million times a day. She is everything. I am doing this for her too. WE are going to have an AWESOME life. I just have to get started. I need to go beg for a job tomorrow. I feel like a labor intensive job would be best for me right now, I'll get my mind off of things, get a work out, make some money...and I won't have to deal with the public. So many stupid little things keep making me tear up, it is absolutely ridiculous. I have to stop thinking about the past or what could have been and focus on what I know will be. It will take time and patience. But I will be okay. We will be okay. In fact, we will be better than okay, we will be GREAT. 


Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz