When I Hear Somebody Sigh, ‘Life Is Hard,’ I Am Always Tempted To Ask, ‘Compared To What?'

I've been doing quite a bit of thinking about my marriage lately. Trying to remember the good times, but only coming up with not-so-good memories and  remembering the pain. There are multiple reasons I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, but the main one is that in a little over a month, my divorce will be finally over; I'll officially be single again. It's a crazy, crazy thought to think that of all the passion and love I held for one person, it was all for nothing, and now I'm left with a few lessons learned and a healing heart. I'm not complaining, I'm very happy to be moved on and away from such a destructive relationship, but that doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt sometimes. I think something like that will stay with a person for a lifetime. It dramatically affects who you are, and you'll never ever be the same.

"They can live without you."

I read something today that just pulled at my heartstrings; it can be disheartening, yet it's the simple truth.
“Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them, no matter how much you don’t want them to. There are some things that are far beyond our control. Even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold harsh truth — the people that you can’t live without, can live without you.”

Our "Happy" Family

I think back to a few years ago when it was clear as day that Zak no longer wanted me, yet I was as blind as a bat and continued to fight for something that was obviously over. I fought the fight for both of us, thinking if I held on or tried just a little bit harder, he would love me again, and things would be perfect. Boy, was I wrong! I learned the hard way that “it’s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it’s even harder to give up when you know it’s everything you want.” We lose the people we love because we are meant to love someone else. We lose them because we are destined to find somebody else. It is a simple fact that is sometimes hard to accept because we are too stubborn to let go of something that doesn’t belong to us anymore.

I sit here and analyze my marriage. I analyze my behavior, my ex's behavior and try to learn how to not make the same mistakes. I don't want to end up in another relationship years from now doing the same thing and making the same mistakes. That would be pure insanity. After Zak and I first split up, even this last time, I had needed to know that I meant something, anything to him. But what I got was nothing, absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it’s his loss. You live and you learn, that’s how it is. Now, I try to be a better person everyday and make strides in evolving and changing my destructive habits-one baby step at a time. After all, I've got my whole life ahead of me! I guess I might as well just enjoy the ride and let life lead me by the hand.

Thanksgiving- The Act Of Giving Thanks.

Due to my recent circumstances, I find it hard to be thankful this year. However, I am determined to sit here until I think of something, anything. When I tell people what I'm thankful for, I want it to be sincere and from the heart. Not just your general "I'm thankful for blahbitty, blah, blah..."

So first off, I am thankful for:

• My daughter, Zoey. She is the glue that holds my whole world together. Without her, I don't know where I'd be today. 
• My family. Though we don't always get along, it's nice to know that at the end of the day we're all there for each other no matter what!
• My true friends. The ones that say they will always be there for you, and actually are. The ones that don't care if you talk about the same stupid shit over and over again until you get it out of your mind. The ones that really do make an impact on your day to day living whether they think so or not. To you guys- I love you.
• Music. "Once in a while, you find that one song that understands you perfectly."

To sum it up.

I'm thankful that after everything I'm going through I still have a roof over my head, a warm bed to sleep in, and a beautiful daughter to wake up to every morning. I'm thankful that I have a car that works and a plan of action for my future (CNA classes, and RCC classes). I'm thankful for those few people that can always put a smile on my face no matter what, and for the ones that remind me that I am blessed, that life really is worth living and things will always get better.

Indeed.

"Be kinder than necessary,
for everyone you meet is fighting
some kind of battle."
— T.H. Thompson and John Watson

There Are Days When The Sun No Longer Seems To Shine, When Even The Yummiest Hot Chocolate Will Not Warm Your Soul.

There are days when someone pulls the plug on the bathwater and it runs dry. Empty and cold, it sits there waiting to be used again; waiting for someone to love it passionately for even a few moments, when eventually it comes to realize that it is no longer desired...that somebody no longer wants to be in it's presence. So it sits alone, in the dark, with only the tiniest glimmer of hope that it will be wanted again someday. 

(Owner of Photograph)

Through various methods and life experiences, I've been taught not to share my feelings. Well, my true feelings. I'm talking about the courteous, "how are you?" I don't share the feelings because I've found (or imagined) people never really care. Nobody wants to be around a "Debbie Downer" or "Negative Nancy." Why even talk about those feelings when you're feeling them if nobody really cares? Seems logical right? Well I think that if most of you knew the things going through my head right now, you would probably either 1-never talk to me again because it's so pessimistic, or 2-never leave me alone out of worry or fear or whatever. Now don't get me wrong, I'm naturally a very happy, positive soul, but I seem to have been caught in this net of darkness that drags me farther down into the deep crevices of the ocean. I figure now is as good time as any to just throw it all out there. There isn't a soul that knows where I live (so I can wallow in peace) and if there is...I promise, I'll be fine.

Life is mysterious. The shift from being in such a happy, loving place to one where it's so empty it takes every ounce of strength to drag yourself out of bed, is literally like a slap in the face. You catch your breath and wonder, "what the hell just happened?!" I don't know what brought me here, and I don't really know how to get away from it. Pretending and "faking it till I make it" clearly wasn't and isn't working. Perhaps now, a year (tomorrow) after my initial separation from my husband I am finally grieving, and along with it comes all the past hurt I've endured. Perhaps my support group is helping me confront past issues that bring up so much pain I don't know what to do or how to act. I don't know. I do know I've been in a lot of pain for a long time. My first attempt at suicide was at 12. We were discussing suicide in my group this last Monday and it's clear that many people have never felt the overwhelming darkness that comes with depression. Some suggested that it was a means of being selfish. I disagree. While I can see how one would perceive suicide as selfish, anyone that has contemplated it would understand that place of "aloneness." Others suggested that merely trying and failing was a cry for attention. I disagree with this statement also. Not a single soul knew I attempted suicide at 12 years old, and I honestly doubt that my husband knew I attempted multiple times while we were married. The things that stopped me were lack of knowledge and fear. My method of choice would be Pills. From my first attempt to my most recent, I continually increased the number of pills I ingested. Clearly, my last amount was not enough. I know better when and/or if there is a next time. I make no promises. I do know that if it not for Zoey, I would probably not be getting out of bed every morning. She makes the world turn, and the sun shine. Yet there are days my patience runs short and I wonder if she'd be better off without me.

Recently I've been pondering what I did to deserve the life experiences I've gone and am going through. I'm not sure, the answer remains unknown to me. I do know however that I will learn from every single one and be a stronger person because of it. My current state of mind recognizes this fact but still attempts to mosey along halfheartedly in the dark. I feel empty and alone. Many people have been telling me they are here for me, yet I still feel alone. Why? I hurt and I don't want to hurt anymore. My only option is to continue what I'm doing. Get out of bed, keep working on being a more patient and understanding person, maintain my journey of personal growth, and attempt to put a real smile on my face whenever possible.

(Owner of Photograph)

On another note, Thank you to those of you that truly are there for me when I need you. I Apologize to those that I've been short with lately or have completely ignored. I have no excuses. I'm still learning this concept of real friendship. Communication is everything, if I have offended or wronged you, please tell me. I may not be fully aware of the situation, as I am not a mind reader.

• "A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

• "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."

• "Better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

Random Quotes I Love.

"Living in the past is kind of like living in a coffin...it's totally constraining, and ends up being a lid on your growth" - Doug Firebaugh

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively.
"You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar." - Trina Paulus

"You can never tell when something you might say or do, just a little extra effort on your part, might go a long way toward helping someone. That person will remember you and your action, or your words, for many years to come." - Earl Nightingale

"Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost." - Author Unknown

However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the "right" person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside. - Deepak Chopra 

Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something. They're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take. - Anthony Robbins

Little kindness and courtesies are so important. In relationships, the little things are the big things. - Stephen R. Covey

When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself. - Deepak Chopra

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people that are reckless with yours. - Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. Novelist

"Every experience you have ever had is over. Every thought you've ever had, started and finished. Every emotion and mood you've experienced has been replaced by another. Eventually, every thing disappears into nothingness. Life is just one thing after another. This, too, shall pass." - Author Unknown

Forgiving is not forgetting. It's letting go of the hurt.- Kathy

Emptiness is a symptom that you are not living creatively. You either have no goal that is important enough to you, or you are not using your talents and efforts in a striving toward an important goal - Maxwell Maltz

Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz

"No matter how qualified or deserving we are, we will never reach a better life until we can imagine it for ourselves and allow ourselves to have it." - Richard Bach
 

The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. - Carl Jung

One Day At A Time.

The last few days I have felt really...insecure...like way beyond normal...and I'm not sure why. In feeling that way, I have become aware of how dysfunctional my thinking has become. Sure, people have said some really mean things to me in the past, but just because they said it, that doesn't make it true right?! So the task laid out before me now is how to break this way of thinking. I have yet to come across any ideas that really stand out to me, but maybe this is just a slow process. I've got my whole life to figure it out, so I think I'll just take it one day at a time.

The Secret of Letting Go.

Last few days have been a roller coaster ride! Friday I turned in my divorce papers and will soon be Miss McKenzie Carpenter once again! :) I am so very excited. One step closer to being officially on my own. I can't wait. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize that this is a good time for me to be alone. Right now, I really have a dysfunctional state of mind, due to issues from my past. Until I solve those problems, I will not make a good partner for anyone. I know this. I don't want to meet the right guy and screw things up because I'm dysfunctional ya know? Therefore, I must fix these ASAP. :) It's hard for me to work on the issues because I don't want to deal with those negative emotions. There are things I need to work on with my mom such as abandonment issues and (I have come to recently find out...) possible sexual abuse from her boyfriend (when I was 6). I say possible because I don't remember...but I recognize many of the signs in my behaviors, and apparently there was a comment I made to my dad about it back then. I recently had a good discussion about traumatic events with a good friend of mine. I had asked if he thought it possible to have an experience so traumatic that the mind blocks it out and you "forget." He said "Without a doubt, Yes." I hadn't explained to him my thoughts behind the question, but the example he gave with his answer was exactly the reason I was asking. He said that while we never truly forget (it stays with us at least subconsciously) we may not remember consciously as a survival mechanism. That makes sense to me. One of the reasons I feel that this abuse actually did happen is because I can remember one time when I was getting intimate with someone and I didn't want to say that I was feeling uncomfortable. I did after a few minutes but I kept saying I'm sorry, and that I felt bad about saying no. His response completely baffled me. "Why do you feel bad for saying no? It's YOUR body." After that I left and thought about his comment...I realized that it IS silly to feel bad; then I realized that I need to work on my boundaries when it comes to my body. I don't really have many. I think it originates from a lack of respect...for myself. Why I don't respect myself? I don't know. I guess it is just one more thing that I need to add to my list of things to work on. For Myself. If I don't love me, how can I expect anyone else to love me...whether it be for a minute or a lifetime.

Last Tuesday I started my "job." Because I am currently on the state cash assistance program, I am able to do a "Work Experience" as a step to help get me where I want to go. Basically for the first one to three months, I volunteer my time and get paid the state assistance. Which, BTW, is not much. :) But it's enough to get by. I don't need a lot of things. I work at Royale Gardens and make beds and help out wherever I can. I'm not allowed to touch the residents or help them because I have not had the training yet. I hope to start the CNA classes they offer, but the date of the program keeps getting changed up. Working with the residents makes me do a lot of thinking...one lady says things like, "I used to have beautiful hair, before it all fell out" or "wow, it's so easy for you to do that" (make her bed). It's really sort of sad. It makes me realize that people that live in homes are lonely (one lady today even told me that! "Will you spend some time with me? They don't come to visit anymore."  Even though they constantly have other people around them, they are still sad. I have been trying to bond with the residents more and am going to try and figure out a way to cheer them up. One by one, I want to do something nice and help out. I just need to figure out what!

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

As I may have mentioned before I attend a support group once a week and this weekend they are hosting a retreat at the coast. I am happy I was invited to go. It will be a good learning experience to have three days to begin/continue healing my soul. Also...I believe it will be a good mini vacation from everyday life. Take a few days to recharge and gain some positive motivation and support. I really haven't any idea what to expect. Who knows...I may be bawling the entire time! :) Either way, I know it will be good for me!

"swallow my doubt
turn it inside out
find nothing but faith in nothing.
Want to put my tender heart in a blender,
watch it spin 'round into a beautiful oblivion.
Rendezvous, then I'm through with you" 
 
Well, I think that's enough for one day. Hope everyone reading has a lovely day!

A Few Random Thoughts

This has been a very positive week! I'm making a lot of wonderful new friends that give me some awesome perspective on life and all of it's wonderful situations. Had a great time Monday and Tuesday nights with these people...The more I attend this group and am around these people, the better I feel. It's great because we can all relate to each other so the environment it creates is awesome.

Monday I realized a lot about my mom. I am pissed as hell at her. Beyond Pissed. I could go on and on about all the things I think of her, but I think that it would probably all need to be censored. I've been doing a lot of thinking about her because she is dying. I've debated between just completely not giving a shit and not even going to her funeral, to calling her and talking with her about all the things I'm upset about. On one hand I look like a bitch for not even caring, and on the other I look like a bitch for telling her off when she's dying. (hm, which would be the lesser of the two evils?) I've decided to call her...tomorrow...which coincidentally is her birthday, and talk to her. I have a lot of issues that root back to situations involving my mother, and I won't be able to fix them if she's dead...and so I need to at the very least get them off my chest. Even if she doesn't say anything back. I need to work on me and heal my past hurts. I really really hope that I get something out of tomorrow, whether it be a new sense of peace or some kind of understanding...I need something to know that going through this tomorrow will be worth it. But I know I definitely don't want to look back someday and say.."what if?"

Aside from that the week was fairly awesome. Stayed positive and am getting a lot of other things figured out in regards to Zak. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuper stoked about that! You don't even know!

Today was a little frustrating though and I caught myself in a funk for a while there...I feel like I am trying so hard to work on myself and some days I feel like I haven't made any progress at all! One of my friends today kindly reminded me that we are all a work in progress, this is a life-long journey. That really helped me get my head out of the ground and back into the clouds where it belongs. I know I have a lot of things to work on...hopefully realizing this and admitting it will be a good first step towards becoming the person I envision myself as.

I find myself getting so caught up in staying busy that I let my life become a huge unorganized mess. Not literally, well, sometimes...but mostly I just shove everything over into the back of my mind instead of dealing with it and then I find it stacked so high it tumbles down upon me in the most inappropriate moments. Like today I heard a song while sitting in Dairy Queen and just out of nowhere almost started crying. I had to get up and go outside. I have to start getting my "self-help" processes all organized so that I can follow through more appropriately and not have crazy moments like that.

Tuesday I start a new job that I believe will be a good step in the right direction to providing a good life for Zoey. It's not necessarily something I want to do, but the money will be good and I'll be able to take care of my daughter the way I want to. Not right now of course, but eventually. She deserves the world. I can't believe how grown up she is! She is so smart and funny. The size of her personality is amazing, I can't believe such a small person can have such a big personality. It's really really wonderful. I just love her so much! I don't know what I would to without her.

Hm, well I am going to watch my best friends daughter in the morning so I better get my little behind to sleep! Hope that everyone reading this knows that

We make our own happiness, we cannot rely upon others to make us feel better (or feel worse for that matter)....Life is all a matter of perspective. 

I hope you see life through rose colored glasses.

Life is good!

*sigh*

I finally feel like life is turning around. I'm getting ready to go back to school...just waiting on my financial aid to get back, and then I'm ready to go! I've got some great friends who I absolutely adore. I always felt like I didn't have any when I was with Zak. I guess that's because I felt like I was supposed to stay home and I didn't feel like I was really supposed to have my own life...because Zak WAS my life. Ugh, anyway SO glad I'm out of there. I am really enjoying my new life. I am always so happy, and always so optimistic and positive. I LOVE feeling this way. I don't know how I survived without it. I can't believe I lasted so long feeling so empty and unimportant. Now that I have control of my own life, I am really starting to love the person I am, and the one I'm becoming! I am starting to love ME. It's about fucking time! ;) gosh, I could just go on and on about how much I am loving life, but I won't bore anyone with that haha. I can't wait to get a job and my own house! It's going to be so lovely to have my own house. :) :) :) I have an interview on Tuesday at a veterinary clinic in Medford and I hope I get it! Life is starting to look up. :)

You can complain because roses have thorns. Or you can rejoice that thorns have roses.

- Ziggy

When it Rains, it POURS...

I cannot even begin to help you understand how fucking ridiculous this last week/10 days have been. I really just, am so over everything right now. I don't understand why everything is happening RIGHT NOW. What, couldn't life space itself out just a little bit?!?

Let me start from the beginning:

• Friday I left Zak. Moved all my shit out while he was at work and am now learning how to be alone again. I know that sounds silly, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. I have trouble sleeping alone so I sometimes bring Zoey into bed with me because I can't sleep. Happy I'm single, but lonely. 
• Wednesday my dad goes to the Emergency Room for throwing up blood. Turns out he had some internal bleeding, had to do a bunch of tests and is hopefully going to be better. They let him come home while waiting for the test results...(he just came home FINALLY today). 
• Friday I find out that the people I thought were my friends, really weren't. Won't speak to me because they were friends with Zak first...(with the exception of a very small number of people). Then I find out they are spreading rumors about me, saying that I said I could fuck my best friends man whenever I wanted. Which is SOOOOOOOOOO not true. Makes me VERY angry. 
• Then I find out while I am working hard to find a job and make a new and GOOD life for me and Zoey, Zak has been out drunk EVERY night, and there are "rumors" he is doing hard drugs again. Which yeah, I could see it cause last time we split up he did it then too...So that feels super awesome. I don't regret or mind being the responsible one because I'd do Anything for Zoey, but it just sucks that I won't ever get a break anymore...because with the decisions he's making, who knows what will happen.
• TODAY----------------------------UGHH. I find out that WEDNESDAY, my mom went into the Emergency Room Also..............she was ALSO bleeding, and turns out she has LEUKEMIA........

So all I have to say is WHYYYYYYYYYY MEEEEEE???????? I try so fucking hard to stay positive and not get down, and right now it's just one thing after a-fucking-nother. I don't understand why God is doing this right now, but it sucks...A Lot..............


To sum it all up, I left my husband, am trying to find any income so I can take care of Zoey, trying to get into school so I can give her a good life, both my parents went into the hospital--one for internal bleeding and one for leukemia, my "friends" ditched me and are talking shit, and my ex is drinking and doing drugs.

So yeah, life is great.

"No matter how far life pushes you down, no matter how much you hurt, you can always bounce back." - Sheryl Swoopes

Like a bolt of lightening...

it just hit me!

I realize now why I am having such a hard time with this.

I was perfectly fine and content and happy...until Zak told me that he didn't want to be with me either. That he didn't even like me as a friend anymore. Then I started getting upset and sad, and having these mood swings...and now...I realize why.

I married my mother. I married my mother, and now just because of those few words, I feel abandoned all over again. It's absolutely ridiculous. That's why I keep asking myself all those questions- "Why did he stop loving me?" "What did I do wrong?" "Am I just unlovable?"

I don't feel like getting into it too much right now, but my mom left when I was 6 and moved farther and farther away. First just into town, then to Northern California, and finally Arizona. I would see her once a year, and then it became every couple years. Now, I don't care to see her at all. She could not stop drinking or doing her drugs long enough to buy one single plane ticket to come and see me and my brother. I felt the exact same feelings I'm feeling now-unlovable, worthless, and many other emotions. It's amazing how two completely unrelated events can be so connected. How one can trigger such strong emotions about the other.

I think actually realizing that this is why I am having such mood swings right now is really going to help stop them. Because I have come to terms (mostly) with the situation with my mom, I know that it is not me. I know that her vices were just too strong to break. It's not that she didn't love me...it's that she loved them more. She just was never meant to be a mother...it wasn't her strong suit. Now just to apply the same logic to my current situation...it's not that Zak is a terrible person, or a bad father, he just isn't meant to be a husband; at least not yet. Maybe someday he will overcome the issues that caused him to not communicate or lie and make excuses. He just was never meant to be with me. He gave me a wonderful gift. Zoey. I think that from this three year long experience, I will have learned a lot.

Other people have no say in my worth.
I AM lovable.
Some people are just not meant to be _____.

I am okay with that.

Hm. I feel so much better realizing all of this.

Now on a brighter note...

Blahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Today is crappy. I am trying very hard not to feel sorry for myself. I am happy I'm not with Zak anymore, but I am upset and my mind just won't stop thinking. "Why did he stop loving me?" "Am I just unlovable?" "What did I do wrong?" etc. Even though I don't want to be with him, it still hurts to know that someone doesn't love you anymore. I am trying to stay positive. I am trying to stay busy. Today is just blahh, but tomorrow will be very busy...so many errands to run, so many places to go. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything, but I know that I need to stay strong for Zoey. I force the smile on my face and I tell her I love her about a million times a day. She is everything. I am doing this for her too. WE are going to have an AWESOME life. I just have to get started. I need to go beg for a job tomorrow. I feel like a labor intensive job would be best for me right now, I'll get my mind off of things, get a work out, make some money...and I won't have to deal with the public. So many stupid little things keep making me tear up, it is absolutely ridiculous. I have to stop thinking about the past or what could have been and focus on what I know will be. It will take time and patience. But I will be okay. We will be okay. In fact, we will be better than okay, we will be GREAT. 


Failure feelings - fear, anxiety, lack of self-confidence - do not spring from some heavenly oracle. They are not written in the stars. They are not holy gospel. Nor are they intimations of a set and decided fate which means that failure is decreed and decided. They originate from your own mind. - Maxwell Maltz

A New Beginning.

Well, yesterday I left my husband.


I feel many emotions, and it's hard to sort through them sometimes, but I know this is the best decision I have made for me and Zoey in a Long time. I was tired of being the only one trying to make things work. Telling him every day.."Hey, this isn't working, I need you to do something...anything. Put in some kind of effort." I was tired of being disrespected on a daily basis. Basically I was tired of being treated exactly the same way it was before we split up last time; like a Doormat. One thing our breakup taught me last time, was what I deserve, and what I will not tolerate. I know that I do not deserve to be treated in such a way.

Whatever we are waiting for - peace of mind, contentment, grace, the inner awareness of simple abundance - it will surely come to us, but only when we are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart. - Sarah Ban Breathnach

I found this quote the other day, and it makes me realize that, had we stayed split up a few months ago...I would not have been ready to be single, not as able to handle things that needed to be taken care of. I still wanted to be with Zak. I still loved him...hated him for the way he was acting, but still loved him. Now, things are completely different. I do not love Zak. He will always have a place in my heart, yes, but I do not love him. I am very excited to be on my own, and actually, for the first time in my life...I feel I can accomplish and earn ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I've ever wanted. I believe that now. It doesn't just sound like hollow words anymore. I don't intend on jumping right back out there and dating. I just want to enjoy my time with Zoey and let her know as much as possible that Mommy and Daddy still love her..That it was NOT her fault at all. I hope that someday she will know how much I want her to understand that.

I am really trying to stay positive when it comes to Zak and Zoey. Honestly, I don't think he will be around too much. I think he will for a while, and then I think he'll get caught up in being a 22 year old single male-Partying, Drinking, Drugs, etc. Because that's exactly what he did last time...the only difference now, is how much he said he wanted to see her. Once a week, and every other weekend. Last time it was every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday.  I am not going to get my hopes up, because I know I am only going to be disappointed. If he does stay in her life, even better, I really hope he does, because I know what it feels like to have a parent abandon you...and I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

There is no going back this time.

"fool me once, shame on you. fool me twice...shame on me."

I learned my lesson this time. There is no going back, nor would I ever Want to go back. Things would never be the same, trust would never be repaired, hearts would never be healed. I can't wait for my new life to really begin. I am working on healing myself, restoring my self confidence, building trust for society, and achieving what I set my mind to. I hope to look back someday and say, that was THE best learning experience of my life; yes it was hurtful, but I wouldn't take it back for anything.

So here's to the beginning of a new chapter, the beginning of a better, happier life.

I bid you Adieu, old one.

Sweet Party Mix--SUPER YUMMY!

Prep: 10 Minutes
Bake: 20 Minutes
Oven: 300°F
Makes 12 Cups Mix

• 3 Cups Corn Chex
• 3 Cups Rice Chex
• 2 Cups Pretzel Knots
• 1 1/2 Cups Peanuts
• 1 Cup Brown Sugar
• 7 Tablespoons Butter
• 4 Tablespoons Light-Colored Corn Syrup
• 1/3 Teaspoon Baking Soda
• 1 1/2 Cup Cranberries
• 1 Cup Plain M&M's

In a large roasting pan or cookie sheet combine cereals, pretzels, and peanuts; set aside.

In a medium saucepan combine brown sugar, butter, and corn syrup. Cook and stir over medium heat until mixture boils. Continue boiling at a moderate, steady rate, without stirring, for 5 minutes more. Remove saucepan from heat; stir in baking soda, Pour over cereal mixture; stir gently to coat.

Bake in a 300°F oven for 15 minutes; stir cereal mixture and bake 5 minutes more; remove from oven; stir in dried fruit and cool. Then add M&M's. Store in an airtight container.

Love Dare Update!

Due to a few recent events, and a few possible BIG changes, I am taking a hiatus on the love dare. Zak may or may not be joining me in the dare, but we will find out later!

Taking A Break.

Well, today Zak left for the first wildfire of the season, not sure when he will be back, but I am praying for his safety!  I haven't really kept up the last few days of the challenge because he didn't know I was doing the challenge in the first place and having him home for a week was a little bit difficult to complete without him finding out. So anyway, when he eventually gets back from the fire, I will continue on with the challenge. :) I'm not sure what fire he went to, but I know that it was started from the lightning last night.

Day Five--Love is Not Rude

He who blesses his friend with a loud voice early in the mornin, it will be reckoned a curse to him. --Proverbs 27:14

It is well with the man who is gracious. Psalm 112:5

1. Guard the Golden Rule. Treat your mate the same way you want to be treated. (See Luke 6:31)
2. No Double Standards. Be as considerate to your spouse as you are to strangers and coworkers.
3. Honor Requests. Consider what your husband or wife already asked you to do or not to do. If in doubt, then ask.

Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior. This is from their perspective only. 

Well, I asked Zak and he said that three things that irritate him about me are:

• I get irritated about little things too easily.
• I don't clean enough.
• I don't always trust his judgment. 

Hearing the first one didn't bother me too much, yes I know I do that. I will just have to take a deep breath when I start to get upset. I was definitely a little irritated about the second one because I have gotten ALOT better at doing that. I'll admit, yes, I used to be really bad about picking up, but I am so much better now. It's really frustrating that I try so hard now and it's still not enough. I guess I will just have to try even harder at being a housewife. Plain and Simple! As for the third one...it's really hard for me sometimes. I don't know why. But I will try to relax a little bit more and just let it go, try to trust his decisions. Trust is an important part of any relationship, so I guess I need to work on that!

Day Four--Love is Thoughtful.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me...How vast is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand. --Psalm 139:17-18

Contact your spouse sometime during the business of the day. Have no agenda other than asking how he or she is doing and if there is anything you could do for them. 

"For most couples, things begin to change after marriage. The wife finally has her man; the husband has his trophy. The hunt is over and the pursuing done. Sparks of romance slowly burn into grey embers, and the motivation for thoughtfulness cools. You drift into focusing on your job, your friends, your problems, your personal desires, yourself. After a while, you unintentionally begin to ignore the needs of your mate." Page 16, The Love Dare.

 

This whole process so far has made me remember back to when Zak and I took Premarital counseling with River Valley Community Church. The counseling was based on the message of Love and Respect Ministries by Emerson and Sarah Eggerichs. I've realized over the last few days how much I've actually ignored Zak's needs, how much I've actually "stopped loving him" (the way I should anyway)...without even realizing it. I realized that for the better part of the last two and a half years, Zak and I have been on the "Crazy Cycle."

Always reacting to each-other causing problem after problem and never really ending the craziness. Where we thought we were loving eachother, we really weren't doing it well, right.  By taking part in this 40 Day Love Dare, I really feel like things are incredibly better than they have been in a long time. I finally feel like Zak is starting to appreciate me and is showing me that he loves me again, kind of like when we were newlyweds or first dating. I've realized Loving someone is proactive, Loving someone is going out of your way to make sure they are happy, putting their needs before your own. Think about it, (for those of you that have children) you will undoubtedly put their needs before your own. That's because you truly love them, your love is unconditional. That's the way our love should be with our spouse. Truly and honestly love them unconditionally, want to go out of your way to "spoil them" and make them happy. That what brings about the Energizing Cycle. By my doing all these seemingly silly little things for Zak, he has opened up to me and begun to give me what I've needed for a really long time...and he doesn't even realize it! He's just doing it because (I assume) he wants to do nice things for me, because I've been doing nice things for him....It's really quite simple, I don't understand why it is so hard for people to understand. I guess, like it was for me, you can never truly understand until you experience the effects of such a powerful thing in your own life.

Take the Challenge!

Day Three--Love is Not Selfish.

Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. --Romans 12:10

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with the humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves. --Philippians 2:3

Whatever you put your time, energy, and money into will become more important to you. It's hard to care for something you are not investing in. Along with restraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

When I read this challenge last night before bed, I started thinking about what the heck I was going to buy Zak...What can I get him that would be meaningful to him and still say "I was thinking of you today?" So I thought about it all day and on my way home from my interview, I decided on the perfect gift. I bought Zak a pack of cigarettes. Now I know that doesn't seem like much or that it may seem silly, but let me tell you, when I saw the look on his face, I knew I had chosen right. I am always complaining about how he stinks like cigarettes, and how they're so expensive, how much I hate them, etc. So by buying something so small for him, it was like saying, "Honey, I love you no matter what. I don't agree with this habit but I know you enjoy it, so here you go...this is for you." When I ended up giving them to him he was so surprised he thought it was a trick or a bribe...lol, he couldn't stop smiling. I just simply smiled and said "it's because I Love You."

Day Two--Love is Kind.

Do not let kindness and truth leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart. So you will find favor and good repute in the sight of God and man. --Proverbs 3:3-4

In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

The following is an excerpt from the book that I thought was really interesting and I thought I would share with you! :)

"Kindness" can feel a little generic when you try defining it, much less living it. So let's break kindness down into four basic core ingredients:

• Gentleness. When you're operating from kindness, you're careful how you treat your spouse, never being unnecessarily harsh. You're sensitive. Tender. Even if you need to say hard things, you'll bend over backwards to make your rebuke or challenge as easy to hear as possible. You speak the truth in love.
• Helpfulness. Being kind means you meet the needs of the moment. If it's housework, you get busy. A listening ear? You give it. Kindness graces a wife with the ability to serve her husband without worrying about her rights. Kindness makes a husband curious to discover what his wife needs, then motivates him to be the one who steps up and ensures those needs are met-even if his are put on hold.
• Willingness. Kindness inspires you to be agreeable. Instead of being obstinate, reluctant, or stubborn, you cooperate, you stay flexible. Rather than complaining and making excuses, you look for reasons to compromise and accommodate. A kind husband ends thousands of potential arguments by his willingness to listen first rather than demand his way.
• Initiative. Kindness thinks ahead, then takes the first step. It doesn't sit around waiting to be prompted or coerced before getting off the couch. The kind husband or wife will be the one who greets first, smiles first, serves first, and forgives first. They don't require the other to get his or her act together before showing love. When acting from kindness, you see the need, then make your move. First. 

I realized today, that I really have not been very willing to go out of my way to be "kind" to Zak. Yes, I am nice to him everyday, but by some of the definitions I listed above, I really am lacking in this area. It seems that sometimes we are kinder to strangers than we are to the people we love the most. I really do want to try and make a daily effort to be more "kind" to my husband. Some of the things I did today in an effort to be "kind" were picking up the house a bit before Zak got home, doing some dishes, making one of his favorite meals for dinner and then afterwords let him go do his hobby...work on his truck! Lol. Zak was really happy when he got home today and seemed really happy to see me. He was giving me lots of hugs and kisses and he actually wanted to cuddle with me on the couch for a bit right after he got home...which is unusual for him. :) Zak was very loving today besides what I mentioned already, he rubbed my feet (yay!) and finally got his truck fixed so that I can have my car back!!! (No more sitting at home, all day, every day!!) I don't know whether or not yesterday and today had anything to do with it, but I am very happy with what is going on and can't wait for the next 38 days!

Day One (Again)

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another. —1 Thessalonians 5:15


The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say  anything. It’s better to hold your tongue that to say something you’ll regret.


Well, today has been much better then my previous attempt, I haven't had any negative thoughts towards Zak at all today. It's been a good day; after he got home we made dinner together and then he went out to work on his truck while I stayed inside to make some Toffee Butter Crunch (YUM)! I'm very excited about tomorrow and continuing on with this challenge. :)

Day One--Love is Patient. (Part Two)

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. —Ephesians 4:2

See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another. —1 Thessalonians 5:15


The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose not to say  anything. It’s better to hold your tongue that to say something you’ll regret.


2:30pm---Oh geez, this is going to be way harder than I thought. Things have been pretty good so far, even though Zak let Zoey spill nail polish on the couch, and he broke some of my work out equipment. Those things don't bother me. Yes it's annoying, but no, it's not that big a deal. They are simply materialistic things. The thing that I'm having a really hard time dealing with right now, is the lying. Zak has been out working on his truck for a while so I decided to go out and see how he was doing. Well, the truck is almost fixed, so that's awesome, means I'm one step closer to getting my car back; but the thing I am so frustrated about and having a hard time being patient with is the hidden beer bottle. Which means Zak is hiding his alcohol from me again. Which is NOT good. I don't want things to go back to how they were...not at all. I picked up the beer bottle out of my car and put it in his truck bed and just walked away. Which was extremely hard for me not to say anything, let alone anything negative. I guess I'll just wait for him to bring it up to me, and then I'll have to be calm...and patient. 

Well, after that we went and took Zoey to my dad's for the night. Came back to our house and got ready; Zak and I went to Abby's to get dinner which was super yummy. :) He apologized to me about earlier and things were fine between us...Then we went to the movies and watched Grown ups. We had a really nice time, and that movie was pretty funny. After that, everything was NOT SO FUNNY. I am not going to get into the details, but lets just say that things have changed. I was (for reasons I do not want to discuss) unable to continue on with the dare yesterday....and today was spent with Zak trying to fix the damage done last night. I will try Day One again tomorrow. Starting Monday, with a fresh start.

Day One--Love is Patient. (Part One)

What better day to start my challenge than one where I wake up in a cranky mood? I realize that I cannot let my emotions get in the way of anything if I wish to succeed and follow through with this through the next 40 days. I can't just wake up and decide I'm not going to do it today because I want to bitch everyone out...So I will do the challenge today, and put forth my best effort to succeed. I will write another blog at the end of the day with the days results.

40 Day Love Dare

So a while back, probably almost a year ago, my husband and I watched Fireproof. After seeing the movie and knowing our marriage was in a pickle, I decided to purchase the book at a local store. Well, needless to say, I am a HUGE procrastinator. I still have not gone through the book. So I've decided that I am finally going to dedicate myself to this, and I hope to write my thoughts about each day and each challenge, here in my blog. Along with, of course, anything else that comes to mind. :) I'll entitle each blog with the corresponding day in my challenge that way anyone reading this will be able to easily follow along with my progress (or unfortunately lets hope not), lack of progress. I think that having dedicated myself to the public to do this will give me the motivation I need to stop being (excuse my language) such a lazy ass and do this for my marriage. Now my marriage is doing great right now, things are better than they have been in a realllllllly long time. One might think "Hey, if you were having such a hard time before, why didn't you do this then?" Well, to answer that, for one: it's hard to love someone when they want nothing to do with you, and two: I am, and sure always will be, a procrastinator. But now that things are going well, I want them to stay that way. If this challenge goes as I think it will, I'm hoping it will make my relationship with my husband stronger, and I hope that it will bring my closer to God. I feel that I have fallen a long ways away from him, and I don't know how to get back. I don't even have a clue as to where to begin. So I figure this is as good a step as any.

♥    Wish me luck!

Just a Little Bit.

Well, I have been trying to decide what to write about the last few days, so I've decided to write about everything. This blog is going to be jumping around a lot and not exactly cohesive....lol.

First off, I guess I'll start with cooking. I've been doing really well with planning our meals out and cooking them. Saves the trouble of figuring out what to eat for dinner and also there is less temptation of just going out. Also it gives me the opportunity to cook a little healthier for my family. I've really got into cooking the last year or so, and I absolutely LOVE doing it. I always pull up new recipes I want to try and just go for it. I think it's really fun! This last week I've cooked Honey Chicken Stir Fry with all fresh ingredients, it had three different kinds of peppers, and broccoli and some other things but I can't remember off the top of my head. That was a really healthy dinner though, and it tasted good; even Zoey liked it! Let's see, I also did Tempura one night, we had deep fried burritos another (not as healthy, but REALLY yummy,  LOL). I also made a homemade French Dip which was really good, and for Father's Day, I invited my dad and brother over to eat with Zak, Zoey, and I. I cooked them a whole roasted chicken with homemade mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn and gravy. I think what I'm going to start doing is planning our meals out a month at a time instead of weekly; that way we only have to make one trip to the store instead of 3546541686 a month.

Father's Day was good. Zak was such a sweetheart, he let me sleep in (sort of) and got to go out and work on his truck. He was out there for a good part of the day and Zoey kept running out there telling me she had to go help him. It was super cute! As I mentioned earlier, I invited my Dad and Brother over for dinner that night. I had talked to my dad the day before and he said that my brother stays in his room all day long, sleeps till 3 or 4 in the afternoon and doesn't ever associate with my dad. That makes me really mad. In fact, it fucking pisses me off. My brother is THE laziest person EVER. Anyway, I'll get to that in a little bit, back to Father's Day. So I invited them over and I asked Zak to go to the store for me to get a few ingredients while I started preparing the chicken. He comes back with flowers for me. I thought that was the sweetest thing ever...it's Father's Day, HIS day, and he buys ME flowers. When my dad and brother finally got here dinner was just about ready. After dinner was over, I whipped up a few strawberry shortcakes real quick for dessert and then we went to go relax and talk a bit. It was pretty much just a really good day, got to do some cooking, and got to spend time with my favorite people, my Fam{ILY}.

So back to my brother...he intends on going to online college, moving out and getting a job all within the next two weeks. As a graduation/birthday present, my dad helped him get on his own plan with Verizon Wireless...with the condition that he would get a job and pay for the monthly bill. Well, that was June 3rd. Today is June 24th and my brother has been sitting in his room all day long, every day playing on his damn XBOX. No job, No house, and No money. I honestly think that he thinks my dad will continue paying for his phone, even though my dad said he was going to have it shut off if he didn't have a job within 30 days. My brother is going to get a swift kick in the ass when reality finally catches up to him. I almost (keyword, alllllllllmost) feel bad for him. Cause DAMN that's gonna suck lol. But he sits in his room ALL day, and never ever goes out to talk to my dad or spend time with him. I think it is beyond rude! I think my dad should just kick his ass out. Plain and simple...he's gotta learn you can't bite the hand that feeds you...in other words treat my dad like shit just because he can. It makes me even more angry because my dad is old. Not like falling apart old, but he just turned 63 this year. He's retired and just wants to have a good rest of his life. He shouldn't have to deal with a snotty teenager who won't give him the time of day. Hm, I'm just going to leave it at that, it's just making me angry thinking about all of it.

So back in February, I applied for the FAFSA to get financial aid for school. I've wanted to go to college since before I graduated high school....which was THREE years ago. I FINALLY heard back from RCC (our community college) about a week ago. They said that I was missing a bunch of paperwork and I had until June 28th to turn it in and I might have a chance of getting my financial aid for this term, otherwise I have to wait till Fall term. So I just decided that I'll wait till next term. I am so super duper excited though to finally go back to school, I just hope that it actually happens. I want to be an OB/GYN. I think delivering babies would be wonderful!

I have been without a car for about three weeks now because Zak has had to drive to work everyday and his truck has a blown head gasket that he is in the process of fixing. Well, quite frankly it sucks. I hate walking because my knee  has been really hurting, so I stay home all day, every day. LAME. I noticed the effect that it has had on me though the other day when I was applying for jobs online. I've realized that not having a car has made me unbelievably antisocial. I don't want to go out in public, I don't want to go talk to people, I don't even want to go out and look for an employer. It's absolutely ridiculous. That's not like me at all and I told Zak he HAS to get his truck fixed this weekend, or I'm probably going to go insane. I'm gonna keep my fingers crossed that he get's it done.


I'm really excited for my birthday this year. I finally turn 21 and will be able to drink legally. Not that I drink a lot, but I do have a drink on the weekends if Zoey is at my dads, or if she's asleep. My sister is going to help pay for Zak, Zoey and I to fly down to Arizona. I don't think Zak will be able to go because it's right in the middle of Fire Season, but Zoey and I will probably go. Not sure how that will work though with going out for my birthday. I'm sure my sister has it all planned out, but either way, it'll be nice to get out of this town for a little while.

Hm, well I think that's good for now. Little bit random, little bit off the wall, but definitely a little bit me.

God Grant Me the Serenity to Accept the Things I Cannot Change

Today I've felt very annoyed. I sometimes think that maybe I let things bother me too much. There should come a certain point in our lives where we are able to just forgive all of those people that have upset us in the past. However, I feel that this...ability is (for now), out of my reach.

As I site here reminiscing about some of the relationships in my life just say, from the last 6 months, it brings up a lot of anger, frustration, and disappointment. I started out the year living with my best friend and her daughter, in our own little "home". Things were awesome, she was a wonderful help to me while I was separated from my husband; had great moral support. She helped me to regain a lot of self confidence. After a while, we had an episode, and it was just too much for me to handle. She blamed me of accusing a man she was interested in for doing some really terrible things. Now that is understandable for a moment, but I explained to her MULTIPLE times that I was simply telling her what I heard...Not passing judgment or actually accusing this man she had her eye on. Nonetheless, she completely refused to listen what I had to say, so I moved out the next morning. Now it has really bothered me the last 6 months (I moved out in January), and I'm having a hard time letting it go and being able to forgive her for getting angry with me for doing something out of my heart to protect her. I'm really disappointed that things turned out this way because she was the best friend I'd ever had--tried to talk to her once since then, but she just ignored me. I know that things would never be the same anyway, but I am just really hurt that she would turn something like that against me...here I was, her best friend, telling her what I heard, just to let her know so she could make her own decision about it, and she FREAKS out. I am just trying to be a good person, let alone friend but she refused to even look at it from my point of view.

Fast forward three months and after a series of seriously crazy events, I meet a really nice young man. Now as a little background information, I have always been able to get along with men better than women, don't know why, but have always had more men friends than women friends. So we start hanging out a lot with his friends and family, and he became my best friend. I'd lend him money occasionally, give him rides and do whatever I could to help him out while he was looking for a job. Basically he was there for me whenever I needed. I relied on him to help keep me strong when it was absolutely necessary; when Zak and I were fighting. As all of this is happening, he tells me he has fallen for me. I told him that I wasn't able to commit to him or anyone else because I didn't even know where my life was going. So we stayed the best of friends and it became more and more difficult to talk with him about Zak as he became more and more attached. I'd always told him that I would be completely honest and upfront when I decided on what to do about seeing anybody. So when I told him Zak and I were getting back together he was, needless to say, very upset. After that, the way he handled everything -in my opinion- was just completely childish and immature. He started ignoring me, being very rude and started treating me like some random girl he met at a party. I just stopped trying to get in contact with him. Obviously, I was hurt and angry by his behavior...this guy was supposed to be my best friend...and here he was, ditching me, when things were finally looking up for me. I can understand he was upset I was getting back with my husband, but he didn't need to just completely stop being my friend. It's been about a month, and he's got a girl now. I'm really happy for him...he deserves to have the best, but I'm disappointed that I could not be there to share in his joy. I'm also still bothered by his behavior...makes me feel like he was only my friend, so he could be my boyfriend. For a man that brags about how respectful he is (and he is Very respectful) he sure let me down on this one. I tried to talk to him about it once, but he kind of just blew me off. I don't talk to him anymore. I don't think that my friendship is there for people to do with what they please. I know that things with him would never be the same either. Heck I would love to have a double date with my husband and his girlfriend...go out shooting guns, or have a BBQ...something...but I know that is just simply not a possibility, because he would still treat me like a I was a ruthless bitch, and I would feel too awkward and uncomfortable the whole time.

Thinking about all of this is really stirring up my emotions. I can't believe I've lost two important people in my life in just half a year. Kind of makes me feel abandoned all over again (Thanks mom, for instilling those feelings in the first place). I don't know when I will be able to get over the loss of these people, or if I ever will. I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive them, or myself for letting things get this way in the first place. Hopefully I will be able to, to have that inner peace, that serenity would be simply amazing.

Found my way back home.

The last few days have been spent on moving all of Zoey and I's things from my dads house to Zak's house. We've just about got all of it taken care of, but it's been a long process. Having spent the last 6 months living apart, life has been everything from a miserable struggle to something amazing where I have a new and better understanding of the kind of person I am and the kind I want to be. I must say that being apart from my husband for so long has also given me a better understanding and respect for those people who are single parents 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I am extremely thankful for my dad being there to help me out when I desperately needed it...I feel he knew exactly how to help me out because he knows what it's like, the life of a single parent. He raised my brother and I from ages 3 and 6, till today. (Can't say we turned out half bad!) My brother is graduating high school on the 3rd of June, and here I am...FINALLY getting my life back on track (at 20 lol) and moving back "home". It's nice being back home though with my husband and daughter. Life is starting to feel normal again. I'm thankful that Zak and I have been blessed with the understanding of what (in my opinion) it takes to make a marriage work-dedication (of BOTH parties), communication, and compromise. I feel like our marriage will be a lot better in the future because of what has happened to us in the past. We just need to remember that there will ALWAYS be light at the end of the tunnel-sometimes it may be hard to see....but it will definitely be there, we just have to look a little harder.